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Fear of Intimacy

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- Sat, 05 Oct 2019 04:07:43 EST h9SterRi No.531958
File: 1570262863912.jpg -(110175B / 107.59KB, 895x536) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Fear of Intimacy
So, another step taken on the path of trying to unfuck myself: how to describe this shit? where to start? idk i like to write so i hope you like to read.
when i was a kid my parents got divorced. I was about 5 or 6. I stayed with my mum and we moved around, between our two origin countries. For many years I denied that this was in any way troubling for me. All I said was "it's fine" - unfortunately it wasn't just fine and 20+ years later I'm so sick of it being fine. It's not fucking fine at all. My dad is like a ghost to me, my mum showed me a picture of him in his new life he now lives on a remote part of the country, he raises horses apparently. He looked like a fucking ghost, like some one unreal.
He didn't have it easy either. His mum had post natale depression and he was born in the 1950's. That meant that when they found her trying to drown my infant father in the kitchen sink they locked her up. He grew up with his uncle. I never met my biological grandmother, I knew my grandfather's second wife the best out of all my grandparents. The others were all dead before I was old enough to get to know them properly.
Ive said this before: it feels or felt like I was born into the corpse of a family. They all split up and fucked off before I knew what love is. You learn that when you're about 7. Did anything really bad happen to me? no. Do I really have a right to bitch and moan about my situation? I doubt it. I'm sure some of you would have killed to have the life I led. However what I don't have keeps coming back to me. It keeps hurting and i'm getting to a point where I really can't ignore the pain anymore. After I write this I have three more options to continue this work: my sister, a therapist or my friends.

I'm fucking sick of feeling sick. And it is sick. It's depression when it grows. I met a girl about a year and half ago now. Spoiler: it didn't work out. But she taught me alot. I am really greatful for what she showed me, the ride she took me on and I love her for it and I'm pretty sure that I will never live up to her, I will never be as good as she was. I tried to tell her sometime after we fought and split but it 'just didn't work' in the end.
We went to a beach together and ate some mushrooms, they didn't do shit but she told me alot about herself. She used to suffer from an eating disorder and she 'know's that she is chronically depressed'. She said her mother was a narcissist and controlling mothers are often the source of eating disorders like hers. Later we went to a party on another beach, another day, and that's where I really saw it. I realised later I triggered it. She just closed up and went bad, like watching someone on a bad trip without the hallucinations. We had been dancing before but now she went to huddle up in a little ball away from the people. I had to spend hours telling her I would not leave her and eventually we fell asleep somewhere. We didn't bother getting a hostel or something, we just kind of squatted in one of the hostel's gardens.
She told me later that her depressive states are more often triggered when she is (starting out) in a relationship. This was the first girl I had truly been with sexually. She said she had been late to start but I was fucking 25 going on 26. I never explicitly told her at what age I lost my virginity. It was shameful for me but she could probably read between the lines. She said one of the ways she reacted to her condition was by sleeping around alot, after at a certain point she had learned to use her body and downloaded tinder. I had only been with one or two other women.

We shared alot in the short time we were together. We discussed politics, philosophy, spirituality and culture. We were on a beautiful tropical island with little if any care in the world. I didn't quite see her perspective in terms of spirituality, she was a big proponent of yoga and mindfulness, the revolution coming from within. As I had spent university reading critical theory I was more interested in the material, mechanical nature of power. She told me multiple times to face my fear. She laughed at me, said I was so cute, made fun of me for being 'the big, strong, impassive man'. We caressed each other's skin in one of the beach huts and a cat curled up beside us.
In the following months we kept in touch but we physically seperated, continents between us. It was maybe foolish to stay in touch like that, over texts, with the odd call. She got depressed again and I could not help her. I couldn't give her what she needed and I probably had no idea. It was nice to be close to someone, I told her, when I should have been giving her all the love I could possibly give. Not to beat myself up about it, though. She kept travelling, I kept travelling. We are now at unreachable distances, it's good to move on.

[cont.]
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Angus Begglenig - Sat, 05 Oct 2019 04:08:40 EST h9SterRi No.531959 Reply
>>531958
[cont.]
I still don't often get lucky with girls. It isn't so simple to just have a fling and through that unearth the confidence to bed half the globe. At times it works out but I'm usually drunk and it's only the one night, it's not often very good either. I've since planted myself in a new city, back in the old country, where I was born. My sister lives with her family nearby. My weeks have adapted to a certain rythm. I can watch myself react to similar situations again and again. I'm not unattractive, I get the attention of the opposite sex. I could virtually take my pick, it's like i'm reliving my early twenties but better. I really appreciate my life here quite often with or without the girls. The sun has been good this summer, I was tired as shit all through august, working 50 hrs a week but hey, I got paid.
I see myself dancing in nightclubs, high as fuck. I get these beautiful women to dance with me, Czech, Spanish, Asian, Danish. After this comes the low of course. What goes up has to come down and it does so pretty hard. I don't know what happens... but I can't sleep. Last week I drank a bottle to numb myself and pass out. Now I know it's not going to do shit so Ive decided to sit down and work through it. Coffee, ciggarette, easy listening music and the laptop. I read articles with titles like "10 Tips on Overcoming the Fear of Intimacy in Relationships – Signs/Symptoms, Scale and Test"

Thinking back to middle school, high school, and college, you remember this friend dating that friend and how easy it was for them to become intimate and overcoming fear of intimacy. They held hands, shared kisses between classes, and embraced each other at every opportunity. During these moments, you were jealous but stood on the sidelines watching, too afraid to make a move as you think of overcoming fear of intimacy.

How did I reach this diagnosis? That beautifully flawed girl had told me a year and a half before, before I could understand it at all. All the signs match with me. Now you see how easily others do it, like it's nothing. Like a fart. How? You sit here in acknowledgement that your problems are your own and all your own, no one else is to blame, especially not by your paranoiac, fucked mind. However this one girl has been flirting with you a bit for the past few days. She is however still shagging your mate and by the sounds of it doing a pretty good job. You don't know how he feels about her, what their situation is, maybe they are just friends, but you are too emotionally retarded to understand anyway.
You lie awake in the dawn trying to figure out what to do, what to say. You see all your mates pairing off around you and you still don't understand why you are alone. Why am I alone? you ask yourself always. It's always about you being isolated and singled out. It hurts like hell. Another mate, whos shagging another girl you could have, tells you "man, just ask her out, we're just friends, if you want to date her just do it". And this is exactly what you can't do. You don't know why, you are just paralysed with fear when the oppotunity presents itself. If you like a girl, you freeze and wait for her to pass like a shark....
You've spent years of your life living like a paralysed, sick animal. You don't know why you did that. You enjoy the day to day things much better now. Your job, your home, the food tastes better, the sky is bluer, the grass greener, you have people around you. But for years you closed yourself off to everything and just stayed in, coccooned in your nicotine stained room. You regret it sometimes. But you know it can only get better. You are fucked up; one day you will love yourself and rise above everything you fear..
>>
Angus Grandville - Sat, 05 Oct 2019 07:28:27 EST k4jkg4Pe No.531960 Reply
What goals are you trying to accomplish that you can't accomplish and what's stopping you?
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Angus Begglenig - Sat, 05 Oct 2019 12:27:39 EST h9SterRi No.531965 Reply
>>531960
I don't think that is quite relevant but generally to answer your question: to find (start) a relationship, find love and what's stopping me is the fucked up psychological self that is me, myself and I.
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Angus Grandville - Sat, 05 Oct 2019 13:11:06 EST k4jkg4Pe No.531971 Reply
>>531965
What do you think a relationship is going to do though? You want to fix yourself so you can have a relationship, why do you want a relationship?
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Angus Begglenig - Sat, 05 Oct 2019 17:20:12 EST h9SterRi No.531979 Reply
>>531971
Love; in a word. I realise self-love comes first to a degree.
But I think a relationship is really about helping the both of you grow and I would really like to live a better life. It's been painful recently. I don't want to be alone anymore. And of course people around me are pairing up all the time. I feel like an outsider, I feel jealousy. I am often overwhelmed by feelings I have for people I just dont manage to get together with...
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Angus Grandville - Sat, 05 Oct 2019 17:40:59 EST k4jkg4Pe No.531980 Reply
>>531979
>I realise self-love comes first to a degree.
It comes first entirely or you're not going into a healthy relationship.
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Ernest Blackville - Sat, 05 Oct 2019 17:52:39 EST Y0S+w8w9 No.531983 Reply
>>531982
Play a Teddy Pendergrass record, make yourself a candle-lit dinner, draw a bubble bath with scented oil in the water and rose petals around the tub, and let the evening go from there.
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Cedric Clayshaw - Sat, 05 Oct 2019 20:27:36 EST h9SterRi No.531986 Reply
>>531985
>531985
sure I know about mindfulness. I attended a meditation retreat in Thailand I have felt some improvement which I think is related but it's not a simple quick fix, it takes alot of practice. Self-acceptance is important but I think I am also taking steps towards that with the introspection I started this thread with. But in saying that, I think you are implying that most relationships are not healthy... Also what I'm talking about with the 'fear of intimacy' stuff is something that I can work on, I don't think it's healthy to be unable to form relationships (at all). I'm starting to realise it's something I've neglected in the past and the situations I've put myself in didn't help. I can focus more on it in the future and hopefully grow. For some reason (my past) this didn't just come naturally to me, and it's taken a long time and apparently will still take some concentrated effort....
>>
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Ebenezer Fibblehood - Sun, 06 Oct 2019 20:00:50 EST h9SterRi No.532008 Reply
>>532003
why do you think most relationships are not healthy?
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Hamilton Blackstock - Mon, 07 Oct 2019 10:11:11 EST LOrl8mlC No.532026 Reply
>>532024
just with maths you can figure out that the majority of relationships start and end, and so presumably there was something not good there, not necessarily unhealthy, not necessarily bad.

It's definitely not a fact that most lasting relationships are unhealthy, in fact, quite the opposite. Lasting relationships tend to be happier ones, people in lasting relationships tend to be happier and live longer. If you find someone who supports you in your dreams, no matter how crazy they are, that's a good start, without that nothing can last, although that's not the only thing you need. That's just the biggest thing, according to statistics.

Gottman is a mathematician who swapped to psychology and researching love, his stats are great.


OP. You will never get wisdom on this board, it's a bunch of ordinary people with their thumbs in their arses who don't know anything more than you and, much more importantly, have no idea how to emotionally support someone else. Check out low cost counselling or psychotherapy in your area, if you don't like the first person, or the first 3, just keep swapping till you find a counsellor you click with, then off you go. People here will just be like "durr... well girls are like this and you should do this.., here's what happened to me and isn't at all relevant to you *2000 words* "
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Jist - Thu, 10 Oct 2019 21:25:57 EST LbPBpo3d No.532080 Reply
Whats the sang? Mathematically is easier to get to know someone through a friend. Usually when it comes to relation.
I bet it's all a lie faggot.
> , after at a certain point she had learned to use her body and downloaded tinder. I had only been with one or two other women.

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