|>> || >>531958 |
I still don't often get lucky with girls. It isn't so simple to just have a fling and through that unearth the confidence to bed half the globe. At times it works out but I'm usually drunk and it's only the one night, it's not often very good either. I've since planted myself in a new city, back in the old country, where I was born. My sister lives with her family nearby. My weeks have adapted to a certain rythm. I can watch myself react to similar situations again and again. I'm not unattractive, I get the attention of the opposite sex. I could virtually take my pick, it's like i'm reliving my early twenties but better. I really appreciate my life here quite often with or without the girls. The sun has been good this summer, I was tired as shit all through august, working 50 hrs a week but hey, I got paid.
I see myself dancing in nightclubs, high as fuck. I get these beautiful women to dance with me, Czech, Spanish, Asian, Danish. After this comes the low of course. What goes up has to come down and it does so pretty hard. I don't know what happens... but I can't sleep. Last week I drank a bottle to numb myself and pass out. Now I know it's not going to do shit so Ive decided to sit down and work through it. Coffee, ciggarette, easy listening music and the laptop. I read articles with titles like "10 Tips on Overcoming the Fear of Intimacy in Relationships – Signs/Symptoms, Scale and Test"
Thinking back to middle school, high school, and college, you remember this friend dating that friend and how easy it was for them to become intimate and overcoming fear of intimacy. They held hands, shared kisses between classes, and embraced each other at every opportunity. During these moments, you were jealous but stood on the sidelines watching, too afraid to make a move as you think of overcoming fear of intimacy.
How did I reach this diagnosis? That beautifully flawed girl had told me a year and a half before, before I could understand it at all. All the signs match with me. Now you see how easily others do it, like it's nothing. Like a fart. How? You sit here in acknowledgement that your problems are your own and all your own, no one else is to blame, especially not by your paranoiac, fucked mind. However this one girl has been flirting with you a bit for the past few days. She is however still shagging your mate and by the sounds of it doing a pretty good job. You don't know how he feels about her, what their situation is, maybe they are just friends, but you are too emotionally retarded to understand anyway.
You lie awake in the dawn trying to figure out what to do, what to say. You see all your mates pairing off around you and you still don't understand why you are alone. Why am I alone? you ask yourself always. It's always about you being isolated and singled out. It hurts like hell. Another mate, whos shagging another girl you could have, tells you "man, just ask her out, we're just friends, if you want to date her just do it". And this is exactly what you can't do. You don't know why, you are just paralysed with fear when the oppotunity presents itself. If you like a girl, you freeze and wait for her to pass like a shark....
You've spent years of your life living like a paralysed, sick animal. You don't know why you did that. You enjoy the day to day things much better now. Your job, your home, the food tastes better, the sky is bluer, the grass greener, you have people around you. But for years you closed yourself off to everything and just stayed in, coccooned in your nicotine stained room. You regret it sometimes. But you know it can only get better. You are fucked up; one day you will love yourself and rise above everything you fear..