|>> || >>534521 |
Sounds like you've already accepted it, way too much. I've got a solid history dealing with self-loathing. Probably the most important things I've come to understand are that nobody sees you or judges you even remotely as badly as you see and judge yourself, as well as that your are indulging in your self-loathing as a way to avoid actually making the necessary changes to improve yourself by convincing yourself of your over fantasized feelings utter pathetic worthlessness to escape the reality that you aren;t actually that pathetic or worthless and are ertainly capable of actually improving yourself and your life. You could probably say I'm projecting here, but let's face it man, all human beings fall into the samer patterns of behavior as a result of the human condition. The only difference between people are the specifics of the circumstances of the situation you find yourself in.
Most importantly I had to learn to accept that others don't view me as I view myself, even though my self-loathing was so intense that I felt as though I deserved being viewed that way and didn't actually care how they saw me because I thought I knew better and that how I saw myself was how I ought to be seen by everybody. Stop that shit, it's a coping mechanism meant to keep you in the same mindset indefinitely because feeling this way about yourself is all you know anymore--it's your comfort zone. You already struggle enough on a daily basis trying to reconcile why you even continue to live. The thought of trying and seriously putting effort into improving your life is too daunting to even approach or think about, you probably don't even have the first clue where to get started. You're so convinced of what you believe is going to result in inevitable failure that even if you did know what to do, you don't even see the point of trying.
Again, stop that shit. You're just using mental gymnastics to avoid taking responsibility for taking care of yourself and leaving your comfort zone. I know man, it's fucking hard. You just have to do it. It's the most annoying and infuriating answer, "just do it", but that's literally what's got to happen. Whenever I heard that it would drive me insane. How the fuck do you just do it? But I was being immature and too self-indulgent in my self-pity disguised as self-loathing. How do you just do something? You do it, you just do it. How do you put your shoes on? You just do it. You just do things all day long. You just have to bite the bullet and go out on a limb to finally put your all into actually attempting to improve. It took me be so sick of being sick of feeling how I felt all the time that when I got to a real low point and was asking myself why I'm still here in a very serious manner that I asked myself another question. Could I ever say I even really tried?
My gut reaction was to exclaim, "of course I tried.", but I was lying. I han been putting the absolute bare minimum effort into sustaining my existence that I possibly could because I was constantly trying to escape reality. So I decided with convinction, for the first time since I could ever remember, to try as hard as I could to improve whether I felt like I was seeing results or not. I was going to give it a few years to see how things went, because I was such a colossal fuck up that no semblance of improvement was going to be detectable for quite some time. I still had bad days, but I focused on my biggest problem: taking care of myself and sustaining my own existence. I needed to get and hold down a job and quit a black hole for all of my parent's resources. I needed to get a job that paid enough to get a place of my own, keep showing up to work everyday, and at least be responsible enough with my money to never need to borrow it from anybody.
After I set out to do that, I slowly accomplished those goals. I don;t know if you have difficulty holding down a job, but you'd be amazed how simply having a job and actually showing up everyday like you're supposed to improves your mood, self-image, and your sense of worth. From there I just had to keep picking new things to improve on. I'm still in the process of that )and still kind of struggling when it comes to things like keeping my living area clean, etc.), and I'm never going to stop being the process of it. There's never a reason not to keep trying to improve. It's a lot of work and serious effort, but the emotional and psychological payoff is something you can't pay for or get from using a drug. Every once in a while I still relapse and go through a strong bout of self-loathing, but i always tell myself I'm being an overly critical dumb fuck, and to relax because I'll be back to normal within 3 days... and I always am. Usually after a single night of sleep I'm back to normal now. For once in my adult life I'm not retardedly depressed or even depressed at all.