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Ghosted this girl I was seeing and now I feel like shit

- Fri, 29 May 2020 18:39:18 EST 6yuOILUc No.534725
File: 1590791958356.jpg -(85845B / 83.83KB, 512x512) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Ghosted this girl I was seeing and now I feel like shit
I'm relieved as fuck to be out of that relationship, but I worry about her.

I'm like 90% sure we both knew the relationship was over when I split but the last thing she said to me got my hackles all up and I was dead inside by this point so I just blocked her on everything. This was about a month and a bit into her constantly telling me that she didn't care about anything, telling me not to call her babe or anything vaguely romantic, talking about killing herself, getting mad at me for trying to be positive because it was "hallmarky" (which what the fuck else am I supposed to do dude "i dont care about anything and i want to die" haha yeah how about that new assassins creed) and generally just indirectly calling me a dumbass every time I tried anything to help and then getting mad at me for not texting her as much when every time ended with her saying some wild shit and then turning it around on me for the way I tried to help without ever telling me how she wanted me to help, sending me one word texts and then getting pissy with me for making jokes and trying to carry the conversation on my own. it's fucking exhausting emotionally and mentally and I had nothing left to give her.

So I'm angry and fed up and I block her because I barely have the energy to brush my teeth after like a month and a half of trying to be her therapist and getting shit on constantly for trying and, again I don't blame her for it this is just what she's been conditioned to do from past relationships and mental illness that's never been effectively treated, I know that if I had said "hey this isn't working, I think we should break up" she would've hit me with something like WELL SINCE NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME ILL JUST GO KILL MYSELF THEN BYE.

I don't regret leaving. She's a good person underneath the bullshit but I just couldn't handle it anymore, but now I'm worried that me ghosting her might have been a catalyst for her doing something crazy. Part of me wants to make sure she's okay but I know it's only to assuage my guilty conscience because I have zero desire to have any kind of relationship with her at this point and it'd be fucked up to force myself back into her life and reopen that wound (if it was a wound, like I said I'm pretty sure we both knew it was over so maybe she's overjoyed to be rid of me) and then leave just as quickly as I came back.
Nigel Bicklekut - Fri, 29 May 2020 19:44:23 EST ySK+6TA1 No.534726 Reply
Your mental health is just as valuable as hers. Maybe you shouldn't have just ghosted her, but you did, so it's time to just let it go and move on. That said, the fact you've got a conscience is a good sign, so really if I were you I'd just try to take that to heart and believe you did it to get out of a toxic relationship you needed out of.

Yeah, your parting was distasteful, and under different circumstances you can pretty well rest assured you wouldn't do it again. Relationships and life in general can be pretty messy. Forgive yourself and focus on getting your life back on track, so it was at least worth the amount of pain you may have caused her. Staying torn up over it is just going to let that pain she felt go in vain.
Jarvis Burrydit - Fri, 29 May 2020 20:12:17 EST 6yuOILUc No.534729 Reply
1590797537946.jpg -(78409B / 76.57KB, 800x600) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>Your mental health is just as valuable as hers
That was the main reason why I ultimately made the decision to leave her. I've got my own issues on that front - I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and severe depression when I was ~15, I'm 25 now and after about a year of therapy was diagnosed with DDNOS. I'm doing alright with my mental health but every day is still a minor battle of sorts to make sure I don't backslide into old, self-destructive habits. Originally I was gonna hold out until she was in a better place before leaving but I can't have people like her in my life.

I know I shouldn't have ghosted her, that's probably why I came here basically looking for people to tell me I'm not a total shithead. I was angry and let that bitterness rule my decision making and probably projected onto her a little bit as well. My dad is an emotionally abusive junkie with a victim complex big enough to make eliott rodger blush and there's no way out with people like that which doesn't involve you just cutting off contact. They'll always come crawling back, begging to be let back in whilst simultaneously filled with excuses about why it wasn't their fault and, really, you're the one being an asshole for treating them so poorly in the first place.
Phineas Checklebork - Sat, 30 May 2020 04:40:46 EST ySK+6TA1 No.534731 Reply
I'm not going to try and convince you that what you did by ghosting her was any less right or wrong than you decide it is. There's more than just morally right and morally wrong though, there's a right and a wrong for health, a right and a wrong for you as a person, etc. Maybe it was morally wrong to ghost her, but it sounds like it was right for you as a person and for your mental health to do it. Life doesn't take place in a vacuum of (perfect) civilzation, where we should always be striving to be considerate of and do right by others to help hold up a social contract or improve our social relations with one another. Sometimes there isn't even much of anything resembling society at all depdending on where you live. What's right for you as a person and your overall health are what take priority outside that vacuum of (perfect) civilization. If you haven't been put in a position where you need to make the choice between moral right and wrong and right and wrong for you and your health, you should strive to be morally right, of course.

The istuations with your dad and gf were such that you had to make that decision, and you made your choice. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, and you should try to fix things, but only if it doessn't require you to forego taking care of yourself first. Don't let yourself have the ego of a savior, because that's just choosing to indulge in a fantasy to escape the unpleasant reality that when it comes to saving somebody, you can only save someone at the cost of not saving somebody else. If you're going to try saving your girlfriend, you're not going to be able to save yourself, and she won't be saving you in return. Same is true of your dad, atm. You should always be willing to give somebody a chance, but don't get stuck in the mindset of giving them too many chances because you never learned how many you should be expected to give before it's okay to let go of somebody.

Just try breaking down things into facts. Fact, your now ex gf is toxic enough that she not only hurts herself, but she also hurts you. Fact, that pain she was causing you wasn't worth enduring because what she gave you/the relationship with her was giving you. Fact, if you leave her, she will continue to hurt herself, and she would also continue hurting herself if you stayed. You are already a bit broken, and she's just causing both of you too much pain. Whether she believes it or not, she needs to do the same thing you are and look out for herself so that she can heal and improve. She wasn't doing any of that together with you. Even if this isn't what she wants or feels like she needs, staying with her isn't what you want or need. She is just as capable of healing and improving without you as she currently is with you, so in this case it's best for you to leave. If actually taking the time to say goodbye is either going to prevent you from actually leaving or wind up hurting you worse because she actually does something drastic to try and coerce you into staying, then not saying bye was also for the best.
Samuel Billingworth - Sat, 30 May 2020 06:53:39 EST SdJf/BwH No.534732 Reply
That stuff was pretty shocking and catastrophic for you to hear, but it was very natural and routine for her to say. Take that as a roadmap going forward: worry about it as much as she does, which is none. That kind of Wednesday Adams crap is just her really shitty personality combined with shitty coping skills.
Edwin Dinnerhut - Sat, 30 May 2020 19:36:11 EST 1SSFeKJF No.534742 Reply
>There's more than just morally right and morally wrong though
I don't think it's even that. Some stuff is areas of grey and OP's own mental health has a weighting too. Hurting himself is bad morally. Whether he could have done less harm to her and not significantly increased the harm in himself is the question.

At the end of the day though it's done. We all make mistakes and hurting someone to avoid pain that they're inflicting is probably one of the most forgivable relatable mistakes one can make. It's not bourne of malice or greed it's just self preservation and a bit of panic.

Of course maybe it was the right thing to do anyway? If you think she' have played the old emotional blackmail sucide card and it was an abusive relationship then you might have done the right thing to duck out. She sounds like she's afraid to experience authentic joy and has become cynical. In time I suspect she will become jaded to being jaded. She'll realise there were legit reasons to be like that but all that hallmark crap wouldn't work if there wasn't real beautiful sentiment to knock off and mass produce. That is her problem not yours. If you cannot deal with a relationship with someone like that then you don't have to.

As partners we should look after our loved ones. But it's not our responsibility to fix broken people up so we can love them. Our responsibilty is to ensure we are fit for a relationship so that two completely functional people can improve each other's lives, inspire and push each other further and be more. No one is perfect but if your other half isn't even trying then there is no point. You were right to leave her and whether it was right to leave under those terms is unknown. But maybe that was right too.
Barnaby Singerbire - Sat, 06 Jun 2020 00:55:48 EST 3xVrj3us No.534830 Reply
OP i guarantee you she is unloading all of her never ending crises on numerous people in her life, not just you. If she couldnt find a response from you because you blocked her, she more than likely just contacted someone else she knows. People who are chaotic like this.... their chaos isnt just contained within that one relationship. Usually they have a few people they unload on.
Reuben Closhdeg - Thu, 11 Jun 2020 19:49:41 EST 6yuOILUc No.534906 Reply
1591919381804.jpg -(463348B / 452.49KB, 1080x1080) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>only if it doessn't require you to forego taking care of yourself first.
It would always have to. Like I said she's a good person and I don't wish anything bad for her and I don't believe that anything she did to me was intentional or calculated, but her mental and physical health pretty much necessitate that her partner double as her caretaker to a degree. When I was kinda drunk and venting to a close friend I described the whole thing as being like a hospice worker / patient dynamic. Being with her is a fulltime job and forces you to rearrange your entire life because what she needs isn't a boyfriend but a medical professional and a couple years of deep, honest introspection.

>If you think she' have played the old emotional blackmail sucide card
I don't think she would've done it with the purpose of making me stay but I totally believe that she never learned the difference between positive and negative attention. She had a shitty childhood too and that plus the fact that she's had nothing but pretty seriously physically abusive relationships makes me think she doesn't know how to form healthy attachments. Honestly at the stage in her life that I met her, I think it was just doomed from the start regardless of anything I did or didn't do.

Both of you guys kinda touched on it in different ways but I know that it isn't my job to save her and that in all likelihood I wouldn't have been able to regardless. I think what I was struggling with was, in a real clumsy analogy, jumping into the water to try and save someone from drowning only to end up abandoning them to save myself from just drowning with them.

Anyway this shit was really helpful in organizing my thoughts and while I'm definitely never gonna feel good about it, I can live with it. Cheers guys, have a good album for your help

Eugene Buncocke - Tue, 16 Jun 2020 05:00:01 EST mttQWkrO No.534934 Reply
This is absolutely cope because I've been on the receiving end of this and it destroyed me, but even though I have nothing but hate in my heart for him at this point I still think about him constantly and I wonder what it was specifically that I did all the time. Even though I kind of thought it was over before he did it and was preparing to break up anyway and just begged him to tell me why but it was a really shitty thing to do and I think maybe you should feel like shit about it, for a while at least. But it seems like you'll get plenty of validation here from guys who are happy to make value judgements about a mentally ill woman they've never met. I think there is no fucking way that ghosting her led to a better outcome for her. It just seems selfish and immature.

This is really harsh actually, and I don't know how much of it I really mean, but it was the first impression I got, and I already wrote it. Maybe see it as a window into her experience. To tell you the truth, I don't really know what you should even do at this point because I don't know her. If I were her I would sure as hell at least want an explanation. I think you maybe you could write a letter or a really long message to her explaining why you did what you did, wish her well, it's not her fault, etc. make it sympathetic but firm, make it clear there is no chance of ever getting back together and then let her know that for both of your sakes you're blocking her again and then do so.

I know that this isn't a happy situation for you either, so I genuinely am sorry that you're going through this to begin with, but I just wanted impress upon you that it probably really hurt her. Maybe it didn't, like I said at the end of the day you obviously know her better than any of us could. I know it's a struggle to be with someone who is mentally ill and while I think you had a responsibility to stick with her as long as you could after establishing the relationship, you're just as much of a person as she is and your mental health is just as important. I think that if a relationship isn't healthy for either party it should come to an end, but there are right and wrong ways to do it, and personally I think you chose a wrong one.
Fuck Nillybury - Tue, 16 Jun 2020 07:02:53 EST 1KQZTybv No.534935 Reply
People can make all the value judgements they want about the girl. What you don't really seem to care about is that OP is not under an obligation to give closure to their abuser.
Rebecca Bluckleded - Tue, 16 Jun 2020 20:32:53 EST Z8E/qob6 No.534937 Reply
1592353973763.jpg -(118814B / 116.03KB, 1080x1080) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
People take online relationships and dating on the internet much too seriously.
Betsy Seggledale - Mon, 22 Jun 2020 07:44:13 EST /E2lK55F No.535006 Reply
I don't want to really get into a tedious conversation about what is or is not abuse, but threatening suicide to manipulate someone into staying in a relationship is abuse.
James Doddlekotch - Wed, 24 Jun 2020 01:00:07 EST mttQWkrO No.535043 Reply
you are right mental illness does not preclude one from being an abuser and i was just as wrong to be so quick to come to her defense
George Pittman - Thu, 25 Jun 2020 14:20:52 EST YU+X3Syy No.535079 Reply
people becoming more disposable = lower tolerance for bullshit almost everyone has in one form or another because you can always get a shinier model until you realize it's just as fucked up and the cycle repeats

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