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Lol, yes, of course-the *make other people's days worse and miserable because I'm miserable* technique... LOL. Imma say no fucking thanks on that... One of the things I'm proud of is that I'm generally a really nice/pleasant person, especially with strangers-I don't want to make other people's lives fucking shitty because mine sucks sometimes.
I am actually having a really fucking hard time with my already present anger complex right now. I used to be a serious fucking rage addict, and I'm a little concerned because a lot of that is coming back right now.
I've been having a really fucking hard time sleeping, which fucking sucks and is lame...
But, my Dr. did give me a small script of ambien that I haven't been able to pick up yet due to bureaucratic fucking bullshit, but I should be able to cop it today. I'm really hoping that will help me sleep and maybe give me a little bit of relaxation/anxiety relief as I cannot get high right now, and I'm bouncing off the fucking walls in relation to anxiety and angst.
I'm getting pretty concerned that I won't be able to get house arrest, but I'm gonna try to submit my application soon, especially in hopes that I'll get an opportunity to serve my sentence early, as one of the things I am most annoyed with right now is the ridiculous wait I've got and the anticipation I've got to experience in regards to actually going in and serving time...
It'd be nice to get an opportunity to be able to sit in a park/at a lake and have a few cold ones while listening to some kid rock or some bullshit this summer. It feels like it's been long overdue since I've had to deal with being locked up/legal issues for the last couple of summers.
regarding the two cases that I've got:
I had some psychosis issues-I heard one of my neighbors raping someone in the apartment I was living in... I got raped/molested a couple of times at a Montessori school when I was a little fucking kid, and so it gave me a pretty damn big trigger there, hearing a girl sobbing and pleading for someone to stop/help... This led to me believing that my neighbors were trafficking/killing people in their apartment-I went to a store and tried to get the store clerk to help me call cops/someone, they wouldn't let me use their phone-I was scared for them and scared that I was going to get killed or something, and made a dash for the phone... Feel guilt for it, man.
The worst one happened a few days later, where I was getting to be full on schizophrenic/psychotic... Thought I had people pursuing me after what had already gone down- and I thought my moms neighbor was killing people in her apartment-thought I'd try to save them. Derped out hardcore on that one...
Being on diversion fucking sucked. Got into an altercation and got fucking captured-didn't have a fucking knife or anything like that to protect myself, got raped by 5 people at gunpoint. Shit was fucking lame. Couple of months later, got raped at gunpoint again-but I didn't give a fuck if that dude shot the gun he had pointed at my head and bit the fuck out of his dick. There was blood everywhere. My only regret there was that I didn't have a fucking knife with me because I was trying to be a good little boy... I would've loved to cut that guys dick off so I could keep it as a fucking trophy around my neck... Fuck you, Ragtop.*Ragtop* is the pseudonym the rapist uses when he does his shitty fucking graffiti I'm a firmlol, no pun intendedbeliever that, if you can't use a toollol, pun intended properly, you shouldn't have one.
One of the reasons I'm a little concerned about going to jail is that, if I get raped while I was there, I'd probably fucking kill my rapist by repeatedly bashing their fucking head onto the concrete floor in the jail-and I don't want to get any charges for that kind of shit, but I like to think violent rape it's a little less common in county jails than it is in the federal prisons.
I really fucking love the look on someones face when they are being a dick/assailant, and then, *unexpectedly* everything goes very, very wrong for them and they because seriously fucking injured. The look of fear and surprise in that context is absolutely fucking priceless. Fighting back/holding your own: Feelsgoodman... But when it's a kind/innocent person being hurt, or an animal, it really, really bothers me.