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Relationship breaking apart

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- Fri, 12 Jun 2020 18:55:45 EST A7q4nA/+ No.534912
File: 1592002545325.jpg -(10490242B / 10.00MB, 4000x3000) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Relationship breaking apart
So, i have been on a break with my gf for a month now. We have been together for 3 and a half years also living together for almost 2 and a half years of that time. when the break happened i finally woke up from a state of mind i had been in for way too long. Smoking weed everyday and being depressed and in general being selfish. I have started working out, stopped smoking and in general try to work on myself to not be that person anymore. I stayed with her a couple of days just now, and it seems that she can't let go of the "old me" and i truly understand why because she had felt like it wasn't working for like a year already so i realize that i didn't see what good she did to me and now that it seems we are over i truly realize that i fucked up big time. Shit still hurts like a motherfucker. I really love her but i think it might be over. We kind of decided to just let things be as is and not really be together but not really break it off completely. I'm not planing on going back to my old ways anytime soon and try to improve even more, but god is it hard to not hurt this much. i think she really was "the one". I feel like most people i talk to don't really care. Which i also understand because of my past self isolating lifestyle. No idea where i'm going with this tbh. I guess i would like some advice... but i realize that i can't force us back together. Just damn i'm sad. I'm also really bad at meeting new people and online dating seems awful. also i don't really think i will find anyone that can match her. just need some venting here so sorry if the post is inconsistent. What is your experience with breakups/breaks. Any advice?

Pic unrelated, it's a bike in the woods nearby my moms house where i'm staying atm.
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Jarvis Borringhedging - Fri, 12 Jun 2020 19:04:43 EST DJNQEQQ6 No.534914 Reply
Well make sure you talk to her about it all.
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Munz - Fri, 12 Jun 2020 19:12:15 EST A7q4nA/+ No.534915 Reply
>>534914
We have talked a lot. i think i might have talked a bit too much actually. She seemed quite tired of me when i left today. I cried too much aswell considering she had been feeling bad about it for 12 months.
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Jarvis Borringhedging - Fri, 12 Jun 2020 19:58:29 EST DJNQEQQ6 No.534916 Reply
>>534912
Seriously if you haven't been through every point on your post in a conversation with your partner then have another talk. Put it all out there, so that you know that you are on the same page. Even if she leaves you will know that you did everything you could and itll be that much easier to move on instead of wondering that if you just did this or said that you'd still be together.

It also seems like you're missing her half of the equation. You say that she wanted a break because you smoked weed all the time and were selfish. Umm like you're missing a whole bunch of information about whatever she is going through right there. Theres bound to be heaps going on in her life apart from the overflowing frustration at you smoking weed and playing video games.
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Lillian Surrykidging - Fri, 12 Jun 2020 20:00:24 EST DJNQEQQ6 No.534917 Reply
>>534915
Ahh okay then disregard the first half of my last post. It seems troubling that she would wait a year to do anything about a failing relationship though.
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William Mummlecocke - Fri, 12 Jun 2020 21:43:40 EST tojESLLE No.534920 Reply
Keep working on yourself OP. Allow yourself to hurt and it will fade eventually. Try to drop the notion of her being "the one" as that's really unhealthy for you and will leave you hung up on her if it goes unchecked. Give her space and think of the relationship as a bar of soap at this point; the harder you try to hold on the faster it slips from your fingers. Clingy desperation is very off-putting.
Give dating apps another crack. Yes they can be awful and it can be a matter of throwing yourself at the wall until it cracks. I find they are a bit more tolerable if you go in with a mindset of simply meeting new people to sharpen your social skills. Try Hinge, in my experience people on that one are generally looking for something serious.
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Walter Fammerfag - Sat, 13 Jun 2020 13:11:44 EST 80a+lf6a No.534926 Reply
its human nature to cry over spilt milk. its difficult to accept a relationship being over without thinking "but what if" or "but it was so good at times"

you actually just have to get over it though. yeah it sucks, no you cant make it less suck. deal with the bad feelings and keep pushing forward towards what is possible, not what seemed ideal for a moment in time, in retrospect.
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Munz - Sat, 13 Jun 2020 17:23:03 EST xSTTMhW4 No.534927 Reply
>>534916
There are lots parts i left out... Mostly because i was too upset to go at it all. It wasn't just gaming and weed tho. I had a lot of anger issues and didn't really listen to the critique that she told me which would have helped. But smoking everyday really made it hard to remember anything important and i wasn't in contact with myself or my feelings. After the shock of the break and the start of my self-improvement i foind that most of the anger dissipated. It sucks a lot now that i realize how shitty my behaviour has been, and that it really is all my fault. Also i was bad at keeping the place tidy and wasn't really thoughtful about what consequences my small actions had. Which i still need to work on. We have talked quite a lot but i do struggle with not getting emotional. Which ends up with me forgetting a couple of main points. But since i did behave this badly she has really ingrained a feeling of distrust and annoyance towards me. I have found that that feeling won't disappear after only a month of me trying to "fix" myself. Thanks for the advice tho, i will contact her more but i need to give it a bit more time.
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Munz - Sat, 13 Jun 2020 17:29:33 EST xSTTMhW4 No.534928 Reply
>>534920
Yeah you're right. I can't trap myself. And i do know that the desperation is very unattractive. I'll try Hinge, but in Norway it seems that most chicks my age use dating apps as a way to get followers on Instagram. But i guess I'll have a go t it either way.
>>34926
Also thanks, it's great to have someone put things straight to your face.
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Munz - Sun, 14 Jun 2020 19:42:54 EST 98Fl8Pak No.534929 Reply
God, these dating apps are killing me slowly.
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Cornelius Lightridge - Sun, 14 Jun 2020 21:57:05 EST tojESLLE No.534932 Reply
>>534929
Take a break from them for a day or two if they become soul-crushing. Most people find them pretty draining and only use them when they feel they're in a good head-space for them.
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Matilda Bollysudge - Fri, 19 Jun 2020 10:49:52 EST LUAyeKAb No.534958 Reply
>>534912
so you have a girlfriend huh? oh hey haha... fuck you!!
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Munz - Sun, 21 Jun 2020 11:20:46 EST 8KwDabST No.534991 Reply
>>534958
Not anymore. it's over. Probably for the same reasons as you not having a girlfriend now.
Cheers
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Ebenezer Purrygold - Sun, 21 Jun 2020 11:38:20 EST OdFrK28t No.534992 Reply
>>534991

The burns.

Relationship ends when you stop communicating. So you know. Keep communicate
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Munz - Sun, 21 Jun 2020 19:19:20 EST 8KwDabST No.534996 Reply
>>534992
It really isn't that simple tho. I think one of my biggest mistakes was being too vulnerable because i thought that that was what open communication was. There is a balance between the being a "strong man" and being vulnerable and it is important for women that you are able to be both in a controlled matter.
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John Nonnerkot - Sun, 21 Jun 2020 21:58:10 EST ZLNL16wy No.535001 Reply
>>534996

so you already learned the difference?

then you'll know how to communicate by listening instead of communicating by talking. right?
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Thomas Blytheham - Tue, 23 Jun 2020 17:40:26 EST ZLNL16wy No.535036 Reply
>>535034

exactly like that.

if you feel you've taken too much in a relationship, try to listen, encourage your partner (or ex) to talk to you. presumably you like them, so it should be enjoyable to hear what they think of things.

i don't think there is such a thing as too vulnerable. perhaps too needy though, because often people won't notice sacrificing their own time to help you. asking the converse, is there is such a thing as too independent?
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Munz - Tue, 23 Jun 2020 18:17:55 EST 8KwDabST No.535038 Reply
>>535001
Well, i have learned it now. But it's too late for that sadly. Maybe i did know before but my weed addiction really got in the way of any listening.
>>535036
very true about the needy part, but i still think vulnerability might need to come in doses and not explode in somones face. Also i'm working on the independent part for the time being.
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Fanny Gannerwitch - Thu, 25 Jun 2020 21:25:16 EST y0iK7Iy7 No.535091 Reply
You’re just going to have to give it time and move forward.
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Henry Druzzlekack - Thu, 25 Jun 2020 23:39:12 EST ZLNL16wy No.535098 Reply
>>535038

Don't be too hard on yourself, you'll get it right next time. every moment is a gift
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Phyllis Hibbleway - Fri, 26 Jun 2020 11:30:20 EST deim8t2y No.535112 Reply
>>535036
Oh my fucking god.
Asking leading questions that telegraph your feelings is not "communicating by listening" it's just a passive-aggressive way to avoid saying what you really mean and standing by it with conviction.
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Munz - Sat, 27 Jun 2020 06:40:46 EST 8KwDabST No.535135 Reply
So this happened. i was going to get some of my stuff from her place (we where living together before this) and she invited me to stay over. We ended up cuddling and sleeping together, but with the pretext of this is not gonna get us back together which i said that i understood since i do really understand why she broke up with me. Although she said that she had been feeling lonely, but still wasn't/didn't want to get back together at this point. I did enjoy being with her, and felt i had much more control of my emotions so we had a good time. BUT in hindsight i'm not sure if it was a good idea. I feel that i'm thinking more about her after, but i can still manage to get through the days. Any thoughts? Bad or not so bad idea? I really don't want to cut contact, but is it because i can cling to the hope that if i manage to keep in control of my emotions we might be able to try once more in the future? when i say the future we are talking several months, maybe years.

I was also on my first app-date and it was ok. The girl i met was way too crazy tho so nothing happened there. She ended up texting me this morning and askiong if i could get her some acid, but i really didn't want to bother with trying to get some as the people i got it from are out of town at the momen. But it was an interesting way of practicing my social skills on strangers.
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Munz - Sun, 28 Jun 2020 19:46:24 EST 8KwDabST No.535164 Reply
>>535136
I stopped getting high all the time... but truth be told i did do the latter
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Frederick Lightman - Tue, 30 Jun 2020 20:47:05 EST VMzmKgcf No.535177 Reply
1593564425122.jpg -(133760B / 130.62KB, 680x680) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>535135
>We ended up cuddling and sleeping together, but with the pretext of this is not gonna get us back together which i said that i understood since i do really understand why she broke up with me. Although she said that she had been feeling lonely, but still wasn't/didn't want to get back together at this point

my friend, how do you feel? bad? it sounds like she just used you. think about it. what did YOU get out of that?
we call this "being an emotional tampon"

>I really don't want to cut contact, but is it because i can cling to the hope that if i manage to keep in control of my emotions we might be able to try once more in the future? when i say the future we are talking several months, maybe years.

i don't want to presume too hard on you but i think that i've been there and with that kind of delusion. you have to cut the emotional cord man. you don't want the same things, so it's irreconcilable. are you really going to trust that she won't find someone else? you'll see pics of them on your fb feed or something.. don't let that happen. pain! you'll find somebody else, but that's not what you need right now. you don't need it, you just think you do. it's gross energy. honestly disgusting when you are able to step back and look at it from a distance.
imo sometimes we think that something can be a certain way, but it belies the tangible reality

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