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The dreaded late in life virginity - suggestions for approaching this in a mature and healthy way?

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- Thu, 02 Jul 2020 11:41:43 EST GkC5zk+y No.535197
File: 1593704503292.jpg -(45956B / 44.88KB, 640x495) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. The dreaded late in life virginity - suggestions for approaching this in a mature and healthy way?
Hello /QQ/,


Recently I found myself in a bit of a quandary. I spent a majority of high school/college as a socially awkward, hallucinogenic drug abusing, loner-type unable to get a girlfriend. I am the only person to blame - I was a drug abusing asocial weirdo so it is no surprise people did not want to be around me. I am now 26 years old with a good career, my own place, and made a lot of progress in forgiving myself and letting go of a lot of self-loathing that plagued me for years.After months of extreme isolation during this lock down (and hitting the internet porn a little too hard) I found myself somewhat fixated on my non-existent romantic life and I have come here to see if there are any suggestions on how I should approach this delicate situation. Sexual repression does not work, just look at the catholic church. I thought quitting porn/fapping would help but it just made me think about sex even more. I know this is silly and its not that big of a deal, but I am caught in a feedback loop of thinking about it and getting nervous about the whole thing which makes me think about it more. I feel like something has to be done so I can move on with my life already.


What I have been considering is the following:

  1. Escorts: Get it all over with in one hour. I am way to focused on the idea of sex, turning a mole hill into a mountain and treating it like the holy grail. Perhaps getting the main event done and out of the way will force me to see its not all its cracked up to be and help with self-confidence around women. I recently contacted an escort but backed out at the last minute due to fear of STDs, an arrest record, getting robbed, etc. it's a lot of things that could go wrong just to satisfy an animalistic desire. I also know this will be an empty experience devoid of any real human connection and I think that is what is at the heart of what I am seeking. Is this what hitting rock bottom feels like?


2. Online dating: A safer bet than escorts, however how will these women react when I tell them I have never even kissed a girl? Other than a girlfriend in middle school I am starting from square one. Am I even capable of intimacy? Surely I will have to tell them this because it will become obvious how inexperienced I am? These are the things swirling around in mind of the late-in-life virgin that have prevented me from going through with any of this. Fear of rejection - how can someone take so much acid and still have a frail little ego? I am an average looking person not really worried about my looks but I am very worried about my social abilities.

3. Work on self-improvement: I am I not ready for this? Am I inviting more trouble into my life? Love is an emotional minefield that I may not be prepared for. Maybe a combination of psychotherapy and increased socialization will help me get over this? I have come to recognize that no manic-pixie-dream girl is going to save me from crippling loneliness and that I have to be the one to step up to solve this. Girls, and people in general, do not want to be around a depressed neurotic.This has played into my increasing loneliness but I find my neuroticism getting worst due to loneliness; again it's another feedback loop. Maybe I need to start working on solving the causes of why women want nothing to do with me which comes down to my own emotional and social problems.


TL;DR: Late in life virgin starting to get a handle on life, TFW no GF, how to start from square one? Obsessing over sex and not realizing the importance of human connection and having someone to confide in - worried I am turning into an Elliot Roger type by fixating on it. Escort vs. online dating vs. therapy to address underlying issues?

I appreciate anyone for reading and any advice, It helped me think about some things just typing this out. I want to stop obsessing over this and just move on. Sex and love was intended to be a beautiful thing (at leas that's what the songs, television programs, and advertisements told me) but right now it just makes me feel sick to my stomach.
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Frederick Shittingridge - Thu, 02 Jul 2020 11:49:35 EST Z8E/qob6 No.535198 Reply
1593704975379.gif -(698575B / 682.20KB, 320x240) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
If all you're looking for is a fuck then just go back to masturbating, hire a whore and or get a easy fuck off craigslist and other online quick fuckmeets or some shit, just don't go in expecting gold or a 10/10 whore and keep your standards down. You're not looking for a relationship anyways it seems like so keep that on hold untill later when you're ready and you've feel like you have improved yourself enough. Also don't bring up never having kissed a girl or being in relationship for any of this, they most likely don't give a shit and it'll just make you look really bizarre (ergo MIGHT (but most likely wont) ruin your chances in the future with other women) just chill out and get your rocks off and get it over with.
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Walter Bribblesare - Thu, 02 Jul 2020 12:22:47 EST 1SSFeKJF No.535199 Reply
>>535198
Mostly this.

Work on self improvement for your own benefit not anyone else's. If you die a virgin you won't say "what if I massively improved my entire life for nothing?" will you?

Meanwhile chill out and don't tell people. Just get on with it. The thing about losing your virginity is it doesn't change much unless you're a shallow person anyway. It's really hard to believe until you do it but the biggest change I experienced was realising how little it mattered.

As for actually meeting women just be aware that if you're a hot mess you might find a hooker doesn't work well anyway.

Right now all you have is online dating but the moment you can meet people just generally go do it. Make a few new friends, some may be girls. Don't expect to pull, but don't be afraid of being "just friends" with girls. If you are legit friends with a girl she will have other friends who are girls and you may end up meeting them. If you are a reasonably put together guy and a friend of a friend you're basically already ahead when you meet new women. Dating sites can brutal or stupid because people often approach how they pick people differently to how they would with someone they're enjoying chatting to. Remember that even failing repeatedly isn't a total loss here, because you're getting better at talking to girls and keeping cool. Also finally if you're not having fun hanging with people, or chasing them or whatever then don't spend ages doing it.

Rejection isnt' near as bad as the fear. Being unable to control things is scary. Trying to find that opening is scary. Once you're rejected you're back in control. You can be cool about it and handle it well and make it not a problem. If they get weird it's their problem. The biggest thing is to move early. Don't wait until you're weeks into limerence. If you get the impression that they'd make a good partner, you find them attractive and enjoy their company go for it. If they reject you a bit earlier you don't have anything to get over. Don't make it a big deal.

I once asked a girl out and she said no so my response was "okay". I'd already got something I wanted to ask her about that she'd mentioned before so I did that without skipping a beat. We remained friends for 3 months with no feelings or bitterness because I got it out the way. Then she developed a crush on me and nothing had changed so I said yes and we were together for 18 months.

At your age I still hadn't found my career. started losing the 140 pounds and I was on a waiting list for counselling. Oh and that above incident hadn't happened so I was also still a virgin.
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Thomas Hettingnidging - Thu, 02 Jul 2020 13:38:58 EST USUZpST+ No.535200 Reply
Do 1 then 3. Escorts shouldn't be a risk as it's generally legal and they'll be super careful about STDs unless you literally pick up some crack addict street walker.
Online dating is horrible and only going to give you more fears or insecurities.
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Dick Biggler - Thu, 02 Jul 2020 16:58:52 EST g7IeGvbQ No.535202 Reply
>>535197
I don't have much to add as what I wanted to say has already been said, but I will say this. You should never be embarrassed to be a virgin. Sex is overhyped and your first time will most likely be an awkward yet still enjoyable experience. Take it from me, losing your V card does not change you at all. When I lost my virginity to a prostitute in Amsterdam, I remember thinking to myself "Weird, I just had sex and don't feel different at all." Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
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Wesley Gamblechadge - Thu, 02 Jul 2020 18:13:13 EST NmYXrgWM No.535203 Reply
Man you gotta get high and jack off!
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Wesley Bommerchit - Thu, 02 Jul 2020 20:37:17 EST WmEedU/h No.535205 Reply
You need therapy pretty much dude. There are huge self inflicted barriers. It wont be easy to go alone. I'd recommend getting therapy.

For one heaps of people take drugs. Where I live people love taking hallucinogens and having big parties out in the bush. So maybe you live in a weird midwest american town or whatever but nope that isn't the reason you're not getting laid.

So not hallucinogens. Its because you thought you were too weird to have a girlfriend. You didnt try. It's good if you try now but still you need some help with your self image. It's best to explore that with someone else of possible.

Go ahead and hire an escort though. Sex is just an intimate physical act with another person.
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Wesley Bommerchit - Thu, 02 Jul 2020 22:14:50 EST WmEedU/h No.535206 Reply
I suggest therapy. You may not know this but the reasons that you have provided for not being able to find anyone are completely bullshit. This is not an attack. You have some really harmful self talk.

For one taking hallucinogens doesn't make you unpopular. Maybe you are weird too but so is half the population. It shouldn't stop you from finding someone to have sex with. I'm completely fucking batshit and I found some mad women in my time.

The problem is that your self talk prevented you from trying. When you talk to someone about your own self talk you generally find that it all unravels isnt bullshit.

So yeah. If you want maybe get a happy ending massage first before going for the full service. It's good to take smaller steps when you are anxious. Sex is just a very intimate physical contact so dont overhype it because you're probably not that afraid of naked ladies. You're probably afraid of intimacy and rejection my man. You need to be ready to be afraid but to do it anyway. You got to let people in.

Sex is beside the point really. If you had a decent friend that you could talk to about this kind of thing, you probably wouldn't feel so bad about your predicament. You are isolated and unfulfilled. Chuck a woman you slightly know in there and you've got all kind of emotions as she will be the one to save you from desolation. But no shes just a woman looking for companionship. You're going to drown her if you use her to stay afloat. She thinks shes drowning too. Motherfucker you gotta swim or float or intermittently dive or something.

Do you get it? You need more human contact in general. You need to know people and be know. Have deep conversations. Feel heard. Know that you have something to offer. Get that therapy, join a group or class and get socializing, get that rub and tug and also give yourself some fucking credit. You are more than just a weird dude guy. You are you
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Edwin Cottingford - Fri, 03 Jul 2020 22:18:02 EST ehhnNOgT No.535219 Reply
>however how will these women react when I tell them I have never even kissed a girl?
Just don't tell them this of course.

You're at the peak level of attractiveness that you will ever be at right now, don't waste it. Rejection is normal, I mean how could it not be? You're not going to fall in love with the first person you go on a date with, it takes time to find someone compatible. It's no shame if you don't happen to be compatible.
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Shit Brevingbury - Fri, 03 Jul 2020 23:51:37 EST jnas4L6T No.535220 Reply
The first time I had sex I remember thinking afterward how much I felt no different at all. I was still awkward and cringey as fuck, even with the girl I had sex with. Took over a decade of maturing mentally and emotionally until I felt confident or whatever. Sex truly didn't help with that.
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Lillian Mambleson - Sat, 04 Jul 2020 00:20:56 EST WmEedU/h No.535223 Reply
Also yeah you dont need to tell them.

This girl obviously liked my false bravado once and pretty much invited me over for sex. I had only had one awkward drunken sexual experience about 2 years before that. Anyway I decided to not give a fuck and went over and fucked her. And another time after that. Around the 3rd time she was like how many times have you had sex before? And I was like only once before you haha. I explained that I needed experience desperately and that she had already given me that and if she didn't like it then that's too bad for her because I was already in the black so to speak. She decided to keep seeing me as we'd already gotten over the awkward phase that you get sometimes when you first hook up with someone and so it was 3 months of regular sex after that. Yay.

So yeah sex with a new person is often awkward anyway as people have diverse preferences. You can get away without mentioning it and if they do find out eventually the sunk cost fallacy might get you more sex afterwards haha
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Eric Bugenhagen - Mon, 06 Jul 2020 12:57:10 EST +SxpS1oW No.535253 Reply
>>535197
>I know this is silly and its not that big of a deal
It is in fact a major deal. The survival of YOU depends on Food, Water and Reproduction.
missing one of those means you're dead. And we don't want that.
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Alice Bardbury - Mon, 06 Jul 2020 13:07:42 EST +SxpS1oW No.535254 Reply
>>535199
>Work on self improvement for your own benefit not anyone else's
Not how the world works. If you ever were completely alone you would know how pointless and draining doing absolutely anything is when the only one who will get to experience the fruits of your labor is you.
.t was homeless in the wilderness for 4 months. Barely bothered to take a piss most days.
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Nell Fiblingville - Mon, 06 Jul 2020 18:27:56 EST v2pgUnTO No.535255 Reply
1594074476014.gif -(3103686B / 2.96MB, 480x360) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>535223

>the sunk cost fallacy might get you more sex afterwards
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Jack Hodgewater - Tue, 07 Jul 2020 07:10:40 EST GIIMQBLS No.535256 Reply
>>535254
>If you ever were completely alone you would know how pointless and draining doing absolutely anything is when the only one who will get to experience the fruits of your labor is you.
Heh. If you were ever completely alone, you would realize that you are the only person you matter to, and you might start wanting to be better.
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Cedric Cluttingfack - Tue, 07 Jul 2020 12:42:25 EST 1SSFeKJF No.535259 Reply
>>535254
Making friends is something I file under self improvement honestly. In the context of someone who's striking out, having most of the other stuff in your life in place is self improvement.

For most people what I said is exactly how the world works. OP isn't about to go live as a wildman like you did. Though apparently if you're now using it to argue with people it has provided benefits.

Really though improving OP's life will make him more attractive, better at keeping them, better at actually making them happy AND it will make him happier.
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Hedda Huddlelurk - Tue, 07 Jul 2020 14:00:16 EST v/kRYDPs No.535261 Reply
>>535260
Nah. You just won't listen to yourself when you say you like stuff.
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Henry Nandlechuck - Wed, 08 Jul 2020 05:19:55 EST TtXni/Rr No.535265 Reply
>>535197

hang on, you said how you want to solve this but you never said why it's a problem.

I know American Pie and all that shite pretends that this matters, but apart from the shitty rom-com milieu, which unfortunately affects all of us.. what specifically makes this seem like an issue? You mention loneliness, which is agony, and an escort won't solve loneliness and yet she is still on the table.

I like the idea of therapy or counselling to help you build up some self compassion you seem like a good guy, you don't seem like a bitter hateful narcissistic mass shooter who unceasingly blames everyone else for his problems
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Sidney Tootville - Wed, 15 Jul 2020 16:39:47 EST ZLNL16wy No.535302 Reply
I have read everything here and I still don't see any problem.

Do you want something you don't have? Are you trying to fit in?
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Phineas Badgemure - Thu, 16 Jul 2020 08:13:01 EST Dhz56B+T No.535312 Reply
>>535302
Well I think the dude wants intimacy and definitely a good friend is better than a partner for emotional intimacy and support (because you're not so heavily interwoven). But yeah it is pretty nice to have a long term partner who you know will have your back unconditionally. Haha like Will and Jada. No seriously that is a real partnership. You get your hands real dirty after the honeymoon is over and it's just the two of you and your unresolved issues from childhood and the shit you let slide when it was cute.

Anyway these days if you want to have a girlfriend or whatever you kind of have to fuck them first for some reason. So yeah he wants a gf and he needs to fuck to do that because he wants to feel the squishy physical love and the heavy heavy burden of taking on another person's issues. Probably for biological and social reasons like many humans do. Because of american pie and romcoms.
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Betsy Pottinglat - Tue, 21 Jul 2020 12:52:33 EST NIDkq7hi No.535389 Reply
>>518069
>>535197
not jerking off will give u ht emotivation to go find that dopamine from bolowing your load somehwere else, also i think girls like virgins because then you will remembber them forever also they might not. just you know go to events that you think are fun an djust hangout. try to make some friends before getting a girlfriend

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