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How do I do this (and preferably live through it?)

- Tue, 28 Jul 2020 03:03:58 EST /p7iBRUF No.535476
File: 1595919838648.gif -(2945276B / 2.81MB, 220x209) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. How do I do this (and preferably live through it?)
I do not know what to do.

I am sick. I have never had a strong body, but about 8 years ago things went downhill quickly - my face literally melted off. I failed out of college because, during midterms, I was completely blinded by the immense quantity of discharge pouring through my eyes. I spent two long years seeking medical assistance, only to be rejected as things grew worse. Every joint in my body became agony, to the point I could stand up and walk maybe one or two days a week. Still I was refused any serious examination. The worst time I remember was when I had been referred to a hospital immunology clinic, where I was accused of having picked up syphilis; I thought this unlikely, but asked to be tested if that was possible. I was refused testing and kicked out of the clinic, with multiple curses about my 'lying' and about how "there is a boy in the next room allergic to dogs waiting for his allergy shots, stop wasting our time". I was never even prescribed NSAIDs for my pain.

I don't know if anyone here knows what pain delirium is, but it is a hell that makes you no longer a living, thinking human. When my pain was bad, the signalling would blind and deafen me - I must imagine the signalling was overloading my brain. I couldn't track time, or remember the day, or where I was, or even what my body looked like or that I was human. All that existed was pain. I would come to, unsure of the day, my throat slick from blood from screaming for hours.

After two long years of this, I determined that I would find a way out of this pain, or I would kill myself - I could not live with the pain any longer. In the time I was conscious and could focus through the pain, I compiled a long list of potential drugs that might help me. I ordered them in order of risk factor - first I tried OTC meds, then cannabis, and so on and so forth. By the time I neared the end of the list, nothing had worked to diminish my pain by more than 1 or 2%, and I had lost hope.

Heroin saved my life. Unlike oxycodone or other weaker agents, it actually diminished my pain. No amount would make it go away, but suddenly I could walk 6 days a week. I found a minimum wage job with my new abilities, leveraging family connections where I knew there was a sympathetic GM. My body deteriorated further with the work, but it was better than the alternative.

When I had the chance, once I had been using long enough to gain entry to the program, I entered a methadone program and completely quit heroin overnight. Methadone was a superior analgesic for my purposes, and its duration didn't hurt either. I enjoyed the lesser cognitive impact of the new medication.

Unfortunately, the sympathetic GM at work left, and was replaced with a person who hated my need to make time for a methadone clinic - clinics here can only legally operate in the morning, and they really wanted my working a 6 AM shift. This brought abuse, and when a neo-nazi manager hired a kid she was friends with, this kid greeted my by punching me before he'd said a word to me, and destroying my car. This same manager was in charge of investigating her friend, and found no fault. I walked. I was unemployed, but at least medicaid was covering my basic treatment. I have been unable to work since - nobody wants to hire someone who will randomly be unable to walk, or so pained they cannot even use a phone or keyboard (I have many long days and nights alone).

I should mention that I live with my parents. They have some wealth, but are barbaric. I have been raped and nearly murdered on various occasions over the years. Once I lost so much blood I faded in and out of consciousness for a week. When I fell into pain, I would be punished for screaming from the pain. I suspect my child abuse had something to do with stressing my body and activating autoimmune problems - there are strong links shown between the two. In any event, I am now completely at their mercy, no car, in the middle of nowhere, no friends around, stuck with them.

I want very badly to leave, but I don't know how. My county is extremely conservative and has basically zero real social services, no shelter, etc. I want to receive disability, but have not yet applied (need a doctor to write things up properly). It doesn't help that my healthcare is micromanaged - I was all but forced to select a doctor chosen by my large extensive family.

Furthermore, I do not trust that I will be allowed to leave. I would ideally like to state that I am leaving, and that any attempt to follow me will be considered an attempt on my life, but I have a dark feeling that any attempt to escape my parents' power will only activate their narcissistic rage, and I will be killed. My father has a rifle, I am denied by my parents any right to possess a weapon.

I don't know how to leave. I just want to live away from these abusive fucks that consider themselves my parents. They may have spawned my body, but they have not raised me, have taught me only how to lie and how to hate. I do not seek to give them what they truly deserve - even if I spent the rest of their natural lives torturing them, pulling them apart, it would be insignificant compared to the pain they have inflicted. I want only to leave, and make a live of my own. I am in my 30's, I spent my entire childhood looking forward to the day I would be old enough to be away from them, when they could no longer reach me.

I am terrified that, when I try to leave, they will attempt to kill me. If they succeed at that, they succeed, but it is if I successfully defend myself that I am truly afraid of. I am frightened that, should I kill in self defense against them, I will be convicted of manslaughter or other charges, and imprisoned away from effective pain medication. I would almost certainly die or kill myself under those circumstances. When I was using, I served a short stint; in a few days, my BP was 186/120 and many other inmates wanted to do me harm for screaming at night. Two weeks, or a month, back in that pain, would kill me. I would not fear imprisonment so were it not for my body. If we all need to die, I'd rather just firebomb all of us to hell and save myself the pain. I know if I kill myself it will preferably be with fire, that when I am truly in pain I can be punched full in the face and feel nothing. If I do feel pain from autocremation (I doubt it), it will still be less than what I have already endured.

I feel weak. I hate my body, faltering, my face covered in 3rd degree burn scars from my body's systems trying to destroy itself. I often find myself envying the bodies of the elderly, who despite their infirmities still move so swiftly and naturally, without effort. I do not know how to move forward.

What the everloving fuck do I do?
Clara Dillybeck - Tue, 28 Jul 2020 05:39:15 EST /p7iBRUF No.535479 Reply
Right? I can't always get up to get food or go to the bathroom, I would have a serious challenge just going the miles to the nearest store given I have no license and no car. I realize my existence necessitates a certain degree of dependence, but again, I shouldn't have to be entirely dependent upon people who have repeatedly tried to kill me. I almost wish they would do something provably illicit, so I can get them locked up for their assholery preferably for a very long time. I hate living a life where I need to never say the wrong thing or they'll forbid me food again (not fun going 1-2 weeks with 0 food, trust me).
Henry Clanninglock - Tue, 28 Jul 2020 16:07:07 EST xjIJnedg No.535485 Reply
OP, I would look into resources for abused young people in your country. I do not know whether or not they exist, but are you honestly telling us that you LIVE with your RAPIST? Does your country provide medical benefits to the disabled? If you were able to escape somehow, would you be capable of receiving those resources?
Simon Pudgeford - Tue, 28 Jul 2020 17:48:29 EST Ph7AT1Xk No.535486 Reply
I'm sorry, what? You're extremely well written, and judging by the guns, neo-nazis, and lack of people being held culpable you must be NA. It also sounds like you're in a cult from the way you describe your interaction with your 'extended family'

Man, I don't really know. Steal your families vehicle, and ditch it the cops find you, escape, assume a new identity?
Samuel Firringnedge - Wed, 29 Jul 2020 02:57:00 EST /p7iBRUF No.535495 Reply
I am in the midwest USA. I am near Canada but lack a passport (I had to literally rob my bioparents' safe deposit box just to get my own birth certificate and social security card). My extended family is not religiously unified, but their conception of "family" really is cultlike - I have been instructed repeatedly that, like my bioparents, my only friends should be people I'm related to. My bioparents are actually related (like fifth cousins or something) and are inordinately proud of the fact, they straight up have their mutual ancestors' original wedding license framed. They have even tried two or three times to hook me up with my second or third cousins at family reunions (yes, literally told me that it was a great opportunity to meet women).

Since I live in SUCH a conservative part of the US (known as an old KKK fortress) there really isn't much support for abused people here. Even seeking general psych services is pointless: either they send you to religious counseling, or you need to go on like a three-year-long waiting list for the only approved secular office in the county. At best they would arrest my bioparents and leave me to my devices to starve.

I am seeking disability, but given my difficulty in getting doctors to believe I'm not lying, even with pictures of me with my face gone and my eye color changing, I have not been able to apply yet. It would help if any of the lawyers I try to contact about my disability case would contact me back.

I am aware that there are a couple 'reasons' that my bioparents focus on me as the problem child. First, they both HATE eldest children, and guess what I am. Second, I am well-written; I was run through a gauntlet of tests and found to be a borderline very high/supergenius, although I have very strong problems with the IQ system as a whole (it is not properly reflective of ability or potential). That didn't bode well, as neither of them take well to not being the very best at everything. It's a fucking shame that I can't just think my way out of their bullshit... you can't work a system that changes based on someone's momentary whims and feelings.
Walter Sonningnick - Wed, 29 Jul 2020 06:44:44 EST g4l1+StW No.535499 Reply
Besides being smart and tall, how would your parents describe you? Obviously you have behavior problems you're not telling us about.
Samuel Firringnedge - Wed, 29 Jul 2020 09:32:36 EST /p7iBRUF No.535502 Reply
Eat shit. I was raped at 10 by both my parents, am I to blame for my own PTSD? You're presuming a fuckton here. I'm not even tall, FFS.
Nicholas Bocklefield - Wed, 29 Jul 2020 11:27:13 EST UpZDwX6q No.535506 Reply
Then call the police, if that's true. If it's not, fuck you, get your own shit together and stop telling long stories that make you an oppressed hero and the rest of the people in your life sadistic monsters.
Samuel Firringnedge - Wed, 29 Jul 2020 19:06:24 EST /p7iBRUF No.535514 Reply
Tell me then, how should I respond when somebody asks me for the viewpoint of the fucks who raped a child. Because maybe they just had to rape me, and really needed to kill me in cold blood, right?

Not much of what they currently do is provable - they've done horrendous things over many years, but it's not as though there would be any case against them just because I described what they had done previously. There's nothing to disprove it if they lie their asses off, which they are prone to doing anytime something paints them in even a slightly negative light. I don't have a phone or other method to record them either. I'm not a hero, and I'm not pretending to be; a hero saves others, and I can't even save myself. Not everyone is some kind of monster, but shitty people exist, and while I remain in their power I need to contend with them. I'm not some kind of hero just because bad shit happened to me, I'm not pretending to be one. This post is literally me asking for advice, so I can "get my own shit together" - I was under the impression that this board was a place to ask for advice in solving problems. I neither want nor need people's pity, what I want is an idea of whether there is a course of action I've overlooked that can resolve or at least contribute to resolving the situation.
Samuel Sankinhadging - Thu, 30 Jul 2020 07:16:07 EST B5LU1ac8 No.535519 Reply
It's a tragedy trickle-truther releasing little pieces of information to bring the focus back to them. That information wasn't that important or it would have been in the OP. You're reading a ruse.
Sidney Crinkinwater - Thu, 30 Jul 2020 09:44:31 EST TtXni/Rr No.535520 Reply
Uch, so sorry OP. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Scared and exhausted maybe :( Really awful situation

You have spent too much time on the internet and it has broken you.
Isabella Dimbledock - Thu, 30 Jul 2020 10:06:49 EST NmYXrgWM No.535523 Reply
And you haven't spent enough if you think this is an honest portrayal of events that actually happened, sweetie. Babe. Honey.
James Pumbleket - Thu, 30 Jul 2020 19:29:48 EST /p7iBRUF No.535524 Reply
I feel like doing something about it.

Response. It's a response. I responded to you. That is how a conversation functions. I made an effort to describe the situation, but detail will necessarily be sacrificed when describing 30+ years of such things. When specifics are discussed, I am then able to provide depth. Or would you prefer to pay for a long-form autobiography?

I frankly do not care whether you believe my existence is real, or whether you hate me. If I can extract any information that aids me in my liberation, it will be worth it.
Thomas Fuckingshaw - Fri, 31 Jul 2020 16:55:02 EST j8Szc2db No.535536 Reply
Hey OP, I hope to fucking god that you get out of that situation. If you've gotten this far you surely have the strength of will and intelligence to get the fuck away from those monsters.
Molly Cluzzlepedge - Sat, 01 Aug 2020 11:01:26 EST TtXni/Rr No.535541 Reply
There is more low-cost counselling available than ever thanks to the pandemic, OP. Lots of therapists have been forced online and so you can access low-cost services all over the country (or world, though that's trickier to find because of legal stuff that therapists have to worry about but you don't have to).

Find a good trauma therapist, the most important trait of a trauma therapist is that they don't rush you. If you find yourself disassociating or having panic attacks or unable to function during or after sessions then it's going too fast and if the therapist lets that happen repeatedly they are a hack. Trauma therapy takes a long time, it might be a long time before you have the skills to even safely talk about it and work with it without retraumatising. Avoid therapists who don't believe in retraumitization, they are behind the times

EMDR is faster if you want to try that, it's sort of like a hypnotism, there's evidence it works for a lot of people but no one knows why, which is annoying.

You are definitely right about the auto-immune / trauma link. Loads of evidence for that

Reach out to other trauma victims, social support is really important, and PTSD isn't the only form trauma takes
Molly Cluzzlepedge - Sat, 01 Aug 2020 11:04:51 EST TtXni/Rr No.535542 Reply
Domestic abuse shelters will take you in, male or female, easier if you are female (demand creating supply) call them and see which ones have spaces
William Sogglebedge - Sat, 08 Aug 2020 22:11:45 EST Sp0vdWcZ No.535652 Reply
1596939105879.jpg -(97462B / 95.18KB, 625x661) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.

I relate to this a lot, I have physical problems that have torn me down over the years and that term pain delirium is rarely relatable. It really effects your personality, I'm sort of in a blessed situation. I know If I turn to hard painkillers it will take me even farther away than I have gone from myself. I wish you best of luck, it's deeply frustrating and painful to be unheard. Goodluck cowboy
Edward Supperville - Mon, 10 Aug 2020 13:47:53 EST 5QoCYNA0 No.535683 Reply
Go out with a bang man, there will be a next life.
If you're being honest, and only if this is the unbiased truth, burn them and you alive.
In almost all cases I'd advocate life over death.
But with so much pain, the voices of monsters screaming in terror would be the most soothing ending to a deeply depressing symphony.

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