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I just feel suicidal - "Covid" fucked my entire life up

- Wed, 05 Aug 2020 15:48:40 EST TNkQD65p No.535593
File: 1596656920499.jpg -(628152B / 613.43KB, 1920x961) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. I just feel suicidal - "Covid" fucked my entire life up
Some people talk about Covid like it's been nothing "hasnt effected them any" for me it's taken almost everything worth living in this world away.
I'd finally gotten my weight to a fit status after so long through indoor rock climbing and swimming training for almost a year. Visited some family out of state came back into town where I was prior after realizing it was a bust to go out there and try to "help" them and took a month to find a job.
I was working at the best job of my entire life, after spending years doing bullshit linecook work doing hard labor I was finally in a bakery where things made sense. I loved my coworkers, they weren't yelling at me - I had found a place for a decent price that allowed myself and my enthusiastic partner who can't work, a place to stay. When you're fem they always look at you weird when you're the provider and never think there's a reason why - just the judgement that theyre "using you" as if they don't have anything better than money to provide in life...
I finally saved enough to get back into climbing again and it happened.

I expected only to be out of work for maybe a week before I realized how srsbusiness the sheeple took this bullshit. I was out of work. No one in town had any work available for my education... I applied for unemployment but even a month later my stimulus and my unemployment hadn't come through and neither had a job.
I told my roomates what was up when the bills came due and told them I was looking for work and would pay them all back in full but they were resentful.
They started harrassing us, throwing eggs under the doors, making us feel like we needed to get out despite the rent pauses going on in the city.
I found a shit slave job owned by some N Koreans attempting to do some line cook work but being treated like shit the entire time. No breaks, not kindness, no food, serving trash food.

I finally got my check in, luckily, but not so much. They helped until I could find my current job at least.. There was no place for us to go. We had to find something out of state ironically it was cheaper in CA now than in OR because of the migration.... completely opposite in terms of natural beauty of where we were staying prior to be closer to his family. Middle of the desert nothingness suburbia shithole. I'm grateful that I could get a work from home job so I could at least find some way to make money but it is so hollow and empty in meaning - I don't do anything but blow smoke up peoples asses trying to pretend I can get them benefits for helping their bill prices when I know really by first hand experience that if you rent /and/ pay your own electric you're already making way over the income limit.
I've started gaining all of my old weight back. I don't want to walk around at 104 degree weather I don't feel safe leaving at night to go try to exercise "at the park" when I do have the time.

There's nothing open to do - still don't have a vehicle even after trying to "save up" for one by scrounging poverty for 10 years. If you don't have a helping hand up you're just going to be stuck carrying around 3 cases of luggage on a greyhound to try to find a place to live every 5 months when you can't pay your rent because bills and food took priority over rent and when you have all three of those you're spending money on and still only making 10 an hour after working your trade for 8 years you certainly can't "save" to get a vehicle.

I'm just over it

I'm glad I have a job ... so they should tell me I should feel. But I'm tired of playing their game. The capitalist system is broken. I am just trying to hold on to what emotionally valuable possessions I have left but I'm close to just forgetting all about it.
I'm not sure where to go or what to do I just understand that this is not where I saw myself when I was 17. I didn't spend my teenage years locked up in my home because my parents were neglectful assholes to finally escape that, only to be told by daddy government that I can't do anything I've ever wanted to do my entire life because everything is "Shut Down"
I think about all of the elderly and premature deaths this year who will die without being able to do what they wanted in the last moments of their life.
I think about how asinine it is that this world is overpopulated but we are trying to stop nature from taking place and stopping people from doing things that makes life living to them.
I wish I would get the covid and die because it would be better than having to live in this fascist bourgeoisie oligarchy state where there is literally nothing we can do about it but play an online game to escape the reality that is until it cracks under its own weight.
People are like "just do some yoga in your tiny 4x4 ft sq area apartment it's easy to lose weight and be motivated when you're in a jail cell with no air conditioning in the California sun!"
Sure it is.
I can barely motivate myself to brush my teeth when I don't have a place to go out to, to actually communicate with people and connect in person.

This is no life worth living and the fact that there are those worse off than me right now being bombed in lebanon just makes me feel alll the more sick of myself because I know these aren't real issues just issues by the confines of our modern world. We're all just stuck here in this shit hole hell and consciousness was a mistake.
Eugene Bosslechatch - Wed, 05 Aug 2020 16:14:49 EST ZLNL16wy No.535598 Reply
Op you sound like a good folk.

Dw. There's people out there to help.

Don't give up. You've made so much progress.

Do your best. We will get through this
Martin Blubbermick - Wed, 05 Aug 2020 16:24:41 EST TNkQD65p No.535599 Reply
I'm going to be as alright as anyone on this planet.
Would have kms by now if I was ever going to I'm sure
I think I just needed a livejournal to channel all this angst out of me and keep going despite existentialism to tell me to give into the void - but pretty sure they've 404d by now haha

ty for the encouragement
Frederick Croshshit - Wed, 05 Aug 2020 18:24:05 EST 1SSFeKJF No.535601 Reply
To make progress in life sometimes we have to hang in and eat shit until we catch a break. It's not fair and you're doing the best you can, but you are in a reasonable position to move when things pick up. Your government really fucked up because a lot of countries are already over it by being stronger sooner.

If you're putting on weight eat less though. It is calories in versus out. For every pound per week you are putting on, knock 500 calories out your diet, 500 calories per day is about a pound of fat per week. If you have no idea what you're eating then get on a metabolic calculator and eat a smidge more than your basal metabolic rate, then adjust depending on if you start shrinking or not. You will find yourself shocking unfit when you exercise but it comes back really fast.

If you have spare time, then look at how you can make your next move after lockdown eases count. Or do something for self improvement, read some books, practice a skill, anything so it doesn't feel like a total waste.

Sorry I haven't got much more. You know you have to weather the storm and you're not the only one. Suffering is quite relative sometimes so don't beat yourself up for feeling bad. Just focus on the little things you can do right now.
Rebecca Bribblehag - Wed, 05 Aug 2020 18:36:24 EST dBf5Zy3G No.535603 Reply
Just go outside and start licking handrails. Show those "sheeple" how woke you are. The death toll is only over half a million world wide, that's nothing. Go cough on some old folk to really get this party started.
Basil Grimfoot - Wed, 05 Aug 2020 20:41:42 EST mttQWkrO No.535608 Reply
oh shit I didn't realize what board I was on I thought this was /b/ my bad, someone should delete this post
Basil Grimfoot - Wed, 05 Aug 2020 20:45:17 EST mttQWkrO No.535609 Reply
i want to reiterate that I didn't even read the subject, that wasn't necessary, it IS natural to feel the way you do, but I think it's pretty natural to feel the way I do too given the circumstances
Jarvis Cuttingforth - Thu, 06 Aug 2020 23:56:07 EST T6ZCFIGt No.535632 Reply
1596772567276.png -(423552B / 413.62KB, 684x1191) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
There are 9 billion people on the planet a half mill is literally as much as pneumonia or flu or Heart disease or car crashes
Why isn't the gov taking away cheeseburgers and cars? Well for some pol reason we could never know I'm sure. Besides hand rails don't taste good. I've coughed on an old lady got that out ofthe way
But you know
Nathaniel Grandfoot - Fri, 07 Aug 2020 17:55:32 EST TNkQD65p No.535642 Reply
1596837332882.jpg -(210107B / 205.18KB, 1200x627) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
I just thought about all of those who have cancer and don't even know it yet, or maybe they do, and maybe they only have 5 months left to live and they're being told to "stay safe" while having to work in doors to still survive until their inevitable death because they are impoverished in america, can't get health care because they "make too much", their insurance doesn't pay for anything, can't spend time with family or friends because they're just trying to "get by" and survive until they die and all they can think of is how they are selling the last hours of their life for money they will never use and selling their time to businesses that aren't even their life, and will never ever get to do anything that was written on their bucket list because they "never had the money for it" and all they really wanted to do was go swimming one last time but the pools were closed.
That could easily be anyone's life right now.
Wesley Dartham - Sat, 08 Aug 2020 05:31:35 EST 6hKQAnke No.535645 Reply
Why not try and think about positive things instead?
Like how you still have your health, or the fact that you have someone who loves you and cares for you. There are a lot of things you could use to help you elevate your mood, instead of filling your mind with negativity.
Ebenezer Fuckleketch - Sat, 08 Aug 2020 07:35:53 EST Wv0LJm+H No.535646 Reply
>a half mill is literally as much as pneumonia or flu or Heart disease or car crashes
There are those who are upset that their country has 3x modifier on the death rate...they have a valid complaint, don't they? I think the situation is a little more nuanced at this point than people dying of an illness.
But you know 😉 🤭
Shitting Tootdock - Mon, 10 Aug 2020 10:55:55 EST 3ScQQ4dj No.535682 Reply
sometimes life just forces you to slow down and eat shit, you'll be alright

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