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GF is controlling?

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- Sun, 09 Aug 2020 20:32:47 EST suOUJIIv No.535666
File: 1597019567157.jpg -(556854B / 543.80KB, 1522x1921) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. GF is controlling?
Last night I told my GF that I wanted to start smoking weed again, and she basically told me I couldn't. I love her more than weed but I don't want to have to pick, and I worry a bit that she's taking too much control of my life.

Backstory is that I had been doing weed for years when we got together but knew she didn't like it. When we moved out after a year or so together I quit completely, but before that I had been struggling with mental health problems (frequently panic attacks and depression) and was using weed as a crutch. Since then I've got a job and moved out with her, my mental health has much improved, though I still live with some anxiety and depression.

The conversation where I said I was thinking about doing weed again was really tense. She seemed really uncomfortable about it and said she didn't want to hang out with me high (I said we didn't have to hang out, she "but I want to hang out"). She asked me why I wanted to start again several times, I just said I liked it and wanted to. It was clear that she really didn't want me to but was struggling to come up with a reason why, or had problems expressing why. Eventually it was clear to me that she would be so upset every time I did do weed that it'd kinda ruin it for me, so I said I wouldn't and to forget about it. I'll be too anxious about her while high to enjoy anything.

Some additional context: we hang out ALL the time with each other and neither of us really know anyone else not online. She's weirdly controlling about certain things. Examples:
-she has asked me to text her during lunch every day,
  • gets very upset with me whenever I work late even though my job requires it frequently,
  • asks me to text a certain way so she doesn't think I'm upset,
  • can be critical when I talk about spending lots of money on stuff (I have plenty of money from my job and as such we don't have to worry about budgeting, she just doesn't trust that it's a good decision generally. It's for stuff on the scale of less than $1k))
  • can be really demanding about food and cleaning even though I'm the only one who cooks and cleans
None of these are too bad though-- I have to work late, sometimes can't text, and usually I'll just buy stuff anyway and she's cool with it as long as I don't mention the price when it comes. Occasionally she'll demand I do/don't do other stuff that makes me a little more uncomfortable, but it's fine. Most of the time I'll just do what she says.

I'll think frequently about breaking up because I want to live my life without worrying about this stuff, but I do love her and really want to make it work. We both struggle with anxiety and depression, and frankly if I were to break up with her I'd worry about her ability to take care of herself, keep her job, find a place she could rent where she wouldn't be miserable, and I'm scared she'd kill herself-- I'd really rather stay together and not do weed. Can I make her more comfortable with weed or is it a lost cause? I don't know how I would even start talking about it again, I can tell she doesn't want to talk about it
>>
Betsy Nadgekutch - Mon, 10 Aug 2020 09:26:04 EST fsygUW+v No.535679 Reply
>>535666
Dude, dump her ass. She has you by the balls and you're clearly the dominant one in that relationship, she just wants you to think you aren't so that you won't realize what a lazy freeloading and controlling piece of shit she is.
> can be really demanding about food and cleaning even though I'm the only one who cooks and cleans
>can be critical when I talk about spending lots of money on stuff (I have plenty of money from my job and as such we don't have to worry about budgeting, she just doesn't trust that it's a good decision generally. It's for stuff on the scale of less than $1k))
> gets very upset with me whenever I work late even though my job requires it frequently

She sees you as a source of income, cooking, and housecleaning, but gets angry when you stay at your job.. earning more income.

She's probably been cheated on before in the past and hasn't gotten over it, or likely her parents had a shitty relationship and she doesn't know what a healthy dynamic is. She has no business dating if she can't get this shit figured out. You will never have any irl friends or time to yourself if you stay with her.

Also, she is likely cheating on you or talking to other men. A lot of times people will get really controlling over their partners to make sure they aren't cheating because they know that they themselves would cheat and project that insecurity onto other people.

What a trainwreck. Get out of this relationship, find someone who appreciates you and quit wasting precious years of your life.
>>
Jarvis Criffingmog - Mon, 10 Aug 2020 10:12:51 EST /q+yn+S5 No.535680 Reply
You put the question mark in because you know that it's more complicated than that.

Neither of you have any other friends in real life.

Huge problem. You're both codependent as fuck. Any time you work late she has nobody else to spend time with. Any time she is a bit pissed at you it's a big deal because you've got no other source of human intimacy. If you smoke weed she loses her only human being on the same level as her.

You're both stuck in a rut together. You can quit and start again in or your can try to improve together.

Smoke weed if you want to. I hope you're saving for the future and not filling the hole of working 3/4 of your life with purchases. She's gotta cook and clean too clearly. Be assertive.

Relationship communication techniques dude. Women are way more experienced with emotional persuasion so arguing emotionally will be painful.
>>
Edward Supperville - Mon, 10 Aug 2020 10:28:20 EST 5QoCYNA0 No.535681 Reply
>>535666
Others have already described perfectly what I'd think, so I'd expand more on what isn't said yet.
You should never be afraid to lose your partner, a lot of horrible emotional stress comes from this.
You know the phrase "if you love something, let it go", in a certain way it displays incredible confidence to be your own person with your own choices regardless of her thoughts on it.
If I were you, I'd be setting boundaries and experiment how you can 50/50 comply and resist.
Now please try doing what you yourself like, there's a great chance she'll be mad as hell but it's part of it.
In my experience, she'll be at your feet in no time and show great respect to the individual you will now be.
Otherwise she's honestly not worth it and you've lost nothing after the breakup.
>>
Phyllis Cullyfeck - Mon, 10 Aug 2020 17:55:35 EST ZLNL16wy No.535685 Reply
Perhaps it is not controlling but codependency.

Symptoms:

She is clingy, you lack confidence.

You are worried about criticism, though feel you do a disproportionate amount of housework.

You felt the need to ask permission to smoke. Of course the answer is no. You didn't decide you wanted to smoke, then offer that she could join you. The phrasing and way you went about it is assbackwards and assumes you needed permission.

You're worried about breaking up. Think about it, how bad could it be? Don't think about how she'll handle it, but how you will.

Try focusing on you more.
>>
Clara Billingspear - Tue, 11 Aug 2020 01:28:18 EST /q+yn+S5 No.535692 Reply
If you are serious about having a relationship with a woman then you're going to have to get real skilled at facing down an emotional woman.

My friend used to have a very volatile and argumentative relationship and I used to have a very cruisy never have disagreements one. It was funny because all of a sudden his relationship became a hell of a lot stronger and meanwhile my girlfriend's and my relationship slowly eroded.

He had a woman that would shout and blame and be paranoid and unreasonable and he would be a stubborn dick. But through that confrontation that had to work to move forwards and they probably still have disagreements but now I'm the one talking to him about my relationship drama because my girlfriend and I never had to do the hard conversations before and now we do. The conversations were still there before but we were able to avoid them.

So now I'm a stubborn dick trying to avoid blaming my girlfriend and trying to reframe it in a way that I talk about my feelings, and my girlfriend is trying her best not to shout as it triggers my PTSD and also is learning to avoid "you never" statements or threatening to leave etc. Also no more violence either and I had to explain to my girlfriend that that includes suicidal behaviour and pushing me around provoking me

Now it's more like oh you feel that way, I didnt know you felt that way, I'll try to compromise.


But oh no you need to dump her dude that's all super toxic. Nah not really, its fucking common. That's why the divorce rate is so high. People are fucked. Give two people enough time together they'll find a reason to get to midnight. You gotta learn them deescalation techniques anyway. Might as well do it with your current crazy bitch. Unless you're going gay next haha
>>
Edwin Collerfock - Tue, 11 Aug 2020 02:30:46 EST nZRTYhjI No.535693 Reply
1597127446470.png -(179385B / 175.18KB, 500x372) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
Thanks for the thoughtful replies guys. This is a lot for me to take in. I'll update the thread if anything happens. It's definitely true that we're codependent, but on the other hand sometimes I fantasize about breaking up and mostly only get stressed about it because I worry my GF would commit suicide or otherwise be devastated. I don't want to break up but it might be the best thing for both of us-- obviously I'll try to make it work though. Thanks again everyone.
>>
Jarvis Blatherville - Tue, 11 Aug 2020 09:35:40 EST TtXni/Rr No.535694 Reply
>>535685


That's dependence, not codependence, codependence is about addiction and facilitating addiction inadvertently

Dude no one here knows the first thing about basic psychology, take all advice with a grain of salt
>>
Clara Billingspear - Tue, 11 Aug 2020 12:46:34 EST /q+yn+S5 No.535696 Reply
>>535694
>no one here knows the first thing about basic psychology
How does that make you feel?
>>
Lydia Duckshit - Tue, 11 Aug 2020 14:21:20 EST m8gMi16v No.535697 Reply
>>535694
It’s not always about addiction, codependency can be about mental health too. as long as one party stays sick and needs to be taken care of.
>>
Nell Gullystirk - Wed, 12 Aug 2020 08:56:29 EST TtXni/Rr No.535699 Reply
>>535697

Ummm, no. That is not what the word means that is just how people who think they understand psychology because they read a lot of /adv/ and /qq/ use it.
>>
Lillian Wazzlefock - Wed, 12 Aug 2020 08:58:13 EST VAcauGzm No.535700 Reply
1597237093830.png -(14522B / 14.18KB, 623x174) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>535699
Takes all of 5 seconds to prove yourself wrong.
>>
Walter Heckleridge - Fri, 14 Aug 2020 14:42:11 EST L0ssE/BG No.535734 Reply
1597430531882.jpg -(491776B / 480.25KB, 2048x1536) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>535707
Does this look like a dame that'd force their partner to never toke up?
>>
Basil Babbledet - Sat, 15 Aug 2020 07:22:28 EST L2FV8Wg5 No.535745 Reply
>>535699
>Ummm, no. That is not what the word means
Stop your bullshit. Leaving this place is a great option, staying and being toxic is a very shitty option, if you don't like it here and don't like the people.
>>
Nell Battingville - Sat, 15 Aug 2020 12:11:40 EST Wse4kvBA No.535749 Reply
1597507900832.jpg -(62355B / 60.89KB, 670x605) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>535666
if she's that interested in controlling you she's probably not super into who you are as a person, if she was she wouldnt be trying to change anything. dump the ho smoke a bowl

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