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Dealing with cyclic failure

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- Thu, 19 Aug 2021 10:40:56 EST HApLONFc No.540273
File: 1629384056231.jpg -(69293B / 67.67KB, 750x746) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Dealing with cyclic failure
Ever since about a decade ago, it is as if I had "peaked" and will never ever be remotely good at things again.
Granted, I've had some minor successes here and there, but I keep failing - and when I don't, I'm at best just postponing the failure.
I've changed universities (once and the second is on the way), I've changed subjects, and even went to a career psychologist just to make sure I'm picking the right subjects.

I've had issues with exams since around 10th grade, especially maths.
I can study for weeks on end, with private tutors (who will be certain that I will succeed), and I will take my ADD meds throughout and even on the day of the exam (with exact timing so the effect window is aligned with when I take the exam), all that, and solving over 15 exams from previous years and different universities - and I will still fail.
And not just fail, I'll write fucking idiotic answers, answers that when I look at them afterwards, I just lose it - how stupid can I be?

I've even went to consultation and support groups for exam-caused anxiety.
All for absolutely nothing.

Not that I hadn't noticed any improvement over the years, some subjects are less of a problem nowadays, but it's not enough.

More so, throughout the semester I'd fucking nail it on homework assignments, I'll write down summaries that everyone studies from.
Even before the exam, people come to ask me questions.
Those same people go on to get much higher grades than I did.

And it fucking drives me nuts!

Even my hobbies are dead, I can't get back into music - I start off well for a while, then it fucking crumbles again.
Nor is programming (for fun) fun anymore.

It's gotten so bad, I can't have any good time.
Because I always know that there's something that I'm gonna miserably fuck up, and soon!

I hope I haven't gone on for too long, but I am at my wit's end.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

All that, and I haven't even scratched the surface of how I lost my best friend to cancer (still rips me up every day, even two years later), or how I kept my SO afloat while still both of us are battling depression, or how I gave up on many of my dreams along the way just to focus on goals that I cannot attain (but I'm sure I can attain).

I wish I could kill myself or just vanish and lead a new life under a new name.

In a sense I come here to vent, but more importantly to seek advice.
As everything I've tried so far has had mixed success at best or ended in abject failure.
>pic unrelated
>>
Cedric Pundledane - Fri, 20 Aug 2021 06:54:28 EST Ryi4Jz46 No.540279 Reply
Eh bro I dropped out of university and my life continued. I did something else and am happier than I would have been had I continued along the path I thought I had to follow.

Maybe it's not for you guy. Dont kill yourself over it. It's a bullshit expensive piece of paper that shows you can do exams.
>>
Jenny Billingcocke - Thu, 09 Sep 2021 22:21:18 EST HApLONFc No.540448 Reply
>>540273
OP here, gf left me, it all feels so hopeless.
I've had to move universities, utterly sick of where I was (especially after two fake hearings that ripped my apart from stress).
I wish I could've done things differently, I know we could've made it through.
But no, I had to have the people most close to me sabotaging my relationships "to protect me".
>>
Archie Drapperwill - Thu, 09 Sep 2021 22:23:25 EST fP6I4eEv No.540449 Reply
>>540273
OP here, gf left me, it all feels so hopeless.
I've had to move universities, utterly sick of where I was (especially after two fake hearings that ripped my apart from stress).
I wish I could've done things differently, I know we could've made it through.
But no, I had to have the people most close to me sabotaging my relationships "to protect me".
>>
Doris Nennertatch - Fri, 10 Sep 2021 15:20:11 EST ONWeL6kK No.540453 Reply
>>540449
let me guess, you opened up to her? where to next? i have almost the exact same story, and staying in school and graduating didnt help me. i would join the military if i wasnt 27 and crippled. maybe long term there is something redeeming about my diploma but the impostor syndrome hit even harder when i have qualifications and yet go no where with it.
>>
Augustus Greenman - Sat, 11 Sep 2021 22:26:55 EST J6+Qo/MV No.540460 Reply
>>540453


I'm just a passing observer, but what do you mean by them making a mistake by opening up? I tried to look back and see some kind of connection in their post, but I couldn't find anything. Forgive me, for I am mentally defunct in the many ways.
>>
Augustus Blackridge - Sun, 12 Sep 2021 01:15:38 EST E4VphPeH No.540461 Reply
>>540460
Nah sounds like that guy is just attempting to project his bitterness towards women onto someone elses situation. OP has mentioned very little of their ex so there's no basis for his assumption.
>>
Beatrice Depperson - Tue, 28 Sep 2021 21:56:35 EST HApLONFc No.540721 Reply
>>540453
OP here, I don't get what you mean by opening up?
I was pretty honest with her from that start, and I've trusted her with my deepest secrets even when we were just (very new) friends.
>>
Beatrice Depperson - Wed, 29 Sep 2021 00:17:05 EST HApLONFc No.540722 Reply
>>540273
OP here again, I figured I should put an update up:
Went back to lifting, nothing extreme - but already seeing general improvements in my posture and physique.
Slowly going back to music, repaired my rig, and contacting my old band mates.
Working like hell, I hate it, but it's a temp job.
Generally trying not to let a day go by.

I think I've mostly moved on, and I've been eyeing an old friend of mine (well, she's hot, clever AF, calm and generally easy going), maybe we'll go on a few dates and see how it goes.

Yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm afraid of nosediving again.
>>
Samuel Craddleditch - Sat, 09 Oct 2021 10:16:23 EST LQ4VvGPH No.540849 Reply
Do you understand the reason why you can't perform in exams? If its anxiety you could try medication like phenibut or benzos. ADD drugs are not exactly designed to calm you down.

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