Ever since about a decade ago, it is as if I had "peaked" and will never ever be remotely good at things again. Granted, I've had some minor successes here and there, but I keep failing - and when I don't, I'm at best just postponing the failure. I've changed universities (once and the second is on the way), I've changed subjects, and even went to a career psychologist just to make sure I'm picking the right subjects. I've had issues with exams since around 10th grade, especially maths. I can study for weeks on end, with private tutors (who will be certain that I will succeed), and I will take my ADD meds throughout and even on the day of the exam (with exact timing so the effect window is aligned with when I take the exam), all that, and solving over 15 exams from previous years and different universities - and I will still fail. And not just fail, I'll write fucking idiotic answers, answers that when I look at them afterwards, I just lose it - how stupid can I be? I've even went to consultation and support groups for exam-caused anxiety. All for absolutely nothing. Not that I hadn't noticed any improvement over the years, some subjects are less of a problem nowadays, but it's not enough. More so, throughout the semester I'd fucking nail it on homework assignments, I'll write down summaries that everyone studies from. Even before the exam, people come to ask me questions. Those same people go on to get much higher grades than I did. And it fucking drives me nuts! Even my hobbies are dead, I can't get back into music - I start off well for a while, then it fucking crumbles again. Nor is programming (for fun) fun anymore. It's gotten so bad, I can't have any good time. Because I always know that there's something that I'm gonna miserably fuck up, and soon! I hope I haven't gone on for too long, but I am at my wit's end. I just don't know what to do anymore. All that, and I haven't even scratched the surface of how I lost my best friend to cancer (still rips me up every day, even two years later), or how I kept my SO afloat while still both of us are battling depression, or how I gave up on many of my dreams along the way just to focus on goals that I cannot attain (but I'm sure I can attain). I wish I could kill myself or just vanish and lead a new life under a new name. In a sense I come here to vent, but more importantly to seek advice. As everything I've tried so far has had mixed success at best or ended in abject failure. >pic unrelated
