| >> | >>540698
Okay, you don't HAVE to go to therapy. I would still suggest it, because therapy is a way to find someone who is less likely to be overwhelmed by supporting you, who has probably seen your issues before, and who is trained in ways to address it. I have had probably 20-30 therapists and psychiatrists. Probably 3 of those were any good, and 2 out of those were very good. The vast majority of them were from before I knew how to handle having a therapist--ie how to tell if they're useless or abusive, how to fire them, how to search for another. And how to take a break from therapy and find other things in the meantime. I used to just see people, it would be useless, and I would eventually get dropped or move on.
If you find another alternative to therapy, go for it. Combine things that support you. Books, crisis lines,a peer respite center, multiple friends, groups, religion, a dog. I don't mind what you do, if it don't hurt nobody, including yourself, and helps you to feel better about yourself and the world.
>You say I need to see myself clearly, well I do. I see myself as horrible piece of shit that has hurt other people both emotionally and physically. I bullied everyone I could, everyone who I saw as being even weaker than me. I could say that this was because I was bullied too and because during my time in school I had no friends and all my interactions with other people were negative. But in reality, I am just a piece of shit. I traumatised my own younger brother with my violent outbursts to the point where I am sure he still carries that trauma today and that's the reason he doesn't speak to me.
I believe you about bullying people and hurting them. Sounds like those were not kind things to do and you feel very bad about them. I have also done some incredibly unkind things that I feel very, very bad about. Here is the specific area in which I don't believe you are seeing yourself clearly:
Nobody is a Bad Person, or as you say, a horrible piece of shit. People have more dimensions than that. Even in the months or years during which you did the things you regretted, you were likely not doing harmful things every minute of every day. Those seconds, minutes, or hours when you were doing less harm, or something kind, matter, and they had a positive effect on the world. The goal is to strive for more of that and less harm, even though you will never be able to stop doing harm to people. It seems like a good way to do this is to find a way to take care of yourself, which I know is easier said than done. And I am speaking about this as though you really are just hurting people all the time, even though I believe it is very possible you hurt people less than you think--and it's possible you do.
From a purely pragmatic standpoint, though (not even commenting on whether you're just a bad person who does good things sometimes), it looks highly unlikely that having the self-concept "bad, disgusting person" is going to do anything but exactly the opposite of what you think is moral. Figuring out how not to hate yourself makes sense literally no matter what the truth about your soul and what you deserve or don't deserve. You have an entire rest of your life to attend to, including the present moment. You cannot change any of the things that have already happened. If you had another ten or twenty years of what you have already experienced, and only then you were able to slowly minimize that, you and other people could be happier for whatever time you have left. That is objectively better. It is objectively better even if people who many people would consider to be horrible pieces of shit were able to spend the remainder of their lives causing less harm, no matter what they have done.
By the way, an additional reason I neither think nor feel you're a horrible piece of shit is that you a) have insight and candor about why you have hurt people in a way that is unusual and...I would say optional? (like people have bullied me who have no idea why and wouldn't admit to the reason if they knew), and b) clearly, clearly desire to coexist peacefully with others and feel better yourse. you do not seem to want to hurt anyone, which is a bit of an indicator that that moral compass is well-tuned even if you've had trouble following it.
Anyway, outsider's perspect, of course, but being gay is like the least of your problems. You are being terrible to yourself. That is much more important. |
