I feel lost. I'm not happy with myself after a recent outburst. I allowed myself to just lash out basically. I ran my mouth. Made a scene. My best attempts to understand it don't really make much sense. I musta just blurred into a rage over fuck all really. Made a fool of myself. My aggression is a bit overkill though. Think nerd rage. Something embarassing. Then make it dangerous by tossing in a background of long term bodybuilding and teenage years filled with domestic abuse, alcoholic parents, bullying at several schools blablabla. I'm scared. The consequences of my behaviour made my girlfriend cry and feel insecure about stuff that she should feel safe about. Her trust in me is kinda screwed. People have said my anger can be quite difficult. I had my first big rage at 17 when I tossed tables, bottles and attacked people. By 18 I would start shouting and simply not stop. By 19 I was told to calm down at hardcore shows and stuff cause I was getting into fights and not realising it. Then I had my first psychosis and calmed the fucked down. What's fucked is that 99% of the time I was a fairly chilled out guy. Over the years I didn't have many incidents but the ones that did happen were pretty sharp, fast and heated. Popping over fairly small things that even symbolically didn't mean much. It was really just the overall direction of my emotions at the time. I don't really know what to do. I'm 29. My family home and school experiences really predisposed me to aggressive and hostile responses. My mental health isn't great either as a Bipolar. I want to show that I'll be at least trying to do something about this. For n ow I've just been staying stoned am2pm in the hope it kinda soothes that angry dog in me. But long term I can't really think of much beyond a therapist. However I'd love to hear anything remotely relevant. There must be people here who have done whatever "The Work" is and can at least point me in the right direction to do my own.
