|>> || 1543299980808.png -(279490B / 272.94KB, 500x372) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Don't talk to non-pimps for advice. People who have sex in their lives have no idea what it's like to go without for any significant period of time. They feel like they've earned what they have in life just by having interests and not being fat. They think they know something you don't. |
I've been celibate for over a decade, and my only fantasy is a nice hotel room and a sufficient quantity of barbiturates to leave in peace. I don't know where to get those, short of robbing a drug store, so the day remains far off, but thinking about it is the only thing that brings me any sense of hope.
I don't even want sex anymore. The thought of it upsets me and kind of grosses me out. Seeing other people do it, or do any of the things that lead up to it, makes me want out so badly that I'm certain there is no other solution, and that used to bother me. But now I found a sense of peace in the certainty. I know what my life leads up to.
Without anyone to pass anything on to, and no one to share it with, the only drives in life are basic sustenance and momentary amusement. There is no higher fulfillment or purpose. Nothing can take on any meaning beyond this. I'm a singular point of observation with no interpersonal function. My feelings are inconsequential outside of my own experience. My own experience will end peacefully when the time is right.
The only thing that matters is working to have money to eat and have a place to sleep. It's dead simple. Everything on the TV is garbage. None of the movies are any good. It's a sexual world for sexual people and nothing else has any purpose here. There's nothing to do and there never will be. The time to live was childhood and everything in these times is irrelevant.
This isn't advice. This is commentary. This is my momentary amusement. I can talk about it as if it's fascinating, and I can know that other people will see it, and they will laugh or judge, because it annoys them. But I'm not there. I'm only ever here, where I am, and nothing out there has anything to do with right here, where I am.
Piss piss piss, shit shit shit, piss and shit, piss and shit, piss and shit.
Eat, eat, shit. Shit, piss, piss. Eat, piss, eat, piss, shit, shit, shit.
That's a poem I just wrote. It makes no fucking difference.