|>> || >>101404 |
>In my case, the thing I had to accept about myself was that I can still like dicks and not like men
This is 100% valid, and a lot of people are like this. But for others, myself included, this sort of feeling can also be the beginning of a slow process of tearing off the layers of internalized prejudice and fully coming to terms with who and what you are. You sound pretty open minded so maybe I'd lean towards it being the first one but it's always good to keep experimenting with an open mind. But if you're not into something you're not into it, no reason to force it.
In my case, I went through my very early years of puberty thinking I was 100% a straight male, but it never really felt natural in a way I couldn't explain. A little later I stumbled onto trans porn and I thought holy shit this is IT, this is fucking amazing, where has this been for the whole year and a half I've been experiencing sexual arousal?
I was a pretty liberal young teen so even at the time I thought "yeah these are women (I mean, they are), so I'm still straight, it's just something about them, some quality that people who were AMAB seem to have that cis women don't..."
At this point I kind of realized something was up but I just blocked that out as without any reflection or contemplation at all I started to get into androgyny/ambiguous gender stuff, then femboys. At this point I was like "ok I'm not straight" but I kind of blocked that out and isolated myself so I didn't have to deal with it. I started to realize all the times that I had experienced attraction towards men that I just couldn't see at the time (but other people sure did though).
Over time I started taking in a lot more blatantly gay content, first with drawings, because for some reason I could palate that better at the time, still detached from the real world and the reality of my sexuality. Got into feminine men having sex, then to regular men having sex, then ultimately to the point where I would find ridiculous muscle bound caricatures legitimately kind of attractive. Not usually my type but there's a mood for it. Huge turning point was making the switch to just straight up actual gay porn and just realizing ok I'm objectively attracted to men.
At that point I realize I genuinely don't even find women that attractive sexually. Maybe romantically, maybe there's this sense of kinship, a certain kindness and compassion you don't get from most men, but ultimately I started to feel that in terms of a long-term romantic and sexual relationship I'm not compatible with women in that sense. I'm not disgusted at all by the thought of having sex with a woman like I imagine most guys are by the thought of having sex with a man, but it doesn't feel the same. Like with men there's this very primal and spiritual aspect to the sex and attraction, whereas I think with women it'd feel more like bonding, like a deep expression of friendship almost, obviously enjoyable but still lacking somehow.
And then finally all this lead me to the final piece of the puzzle. Coming completely full circle, I realized I wasn't actually mostly gay, I was in fact pretty straight. For years at that point, practically when I was still a kid, I had kind of just ignored the fact that I almost always self-inserted as the woman/submissive person because "it looked more fun", in reality it was that it just felt natural. Somehow it took my dumb ass the better part of 6 or 7 years to put together that this might not be how most guys think
A LOT of shit started making sense after this. I thought maybe I should consider why I always identify more with girls in books and movies, why my taste in music is what it is, why I always play female characters in games despite not really being attracted to women, and even in entirely text-based games. Or why I hated the changes I went through during puberty so much, why I felt like I was stuck in the middle and I wished I could go back or go "all the way" and finally be "fixed" like I had assumed would happen.
Maybe most guys don't shave twice a day and aren't mortified to be seen with any facial or body hair at all. Maybe it's not normal to dissociate all the time and constantly get this feeling like you're controlling a stranger's body from with-in. Maybe it's not normal to cry yourself to sleep at night wishing you could either wake up as a girl or not at all. Maybe this dry, stoic personality I had forged was a reaction to who I actually am, an attempt to neutralize it or fight it. Someone who wholly wasn't me but a part that was easy to play.
Maybe I AM actually the sensitive, compassionate, emotional person who tends to value feelings over cold logic, the soft-spoken, conflict averse, amicable, agreeable, mediator and nurturer that over time I longed more and more to be, for some crazy reason.
I want to say though in the clearest possible terms to any /pol/tards lurking that none of this would have happened if I wasn't already born the way I am. It was a process of discovery and dealing with your shit, not Jewish mind control.