| >> | 24 year old woman, i was too severely mentally ill in high school and into college to really pursue a partner, i had low self-esteem and was too caught up in myself to be a good partner to anyone, but once i finally got better on meds and everything, got sober and had a couple years since being in behavioral care i started to feel really good but really lonely and all of us sudden it popped into my head that i don't have to be alone anymore i can just do online dating and i've had probably a dozen in the past month or two, but the ones i like the most where we actually go out and do things other than hookup, smoke, and watch/listen to something and fool around haven't gotten to the point of sex, and i guess the latter kind of messed up my brain along with maybe an already prejudiced opinion men, because i almost feel guilty, it's so hard for me to believe that a guy gets something out of you know just going on dates or cuddling, i always feel like i owe him something or that he's just doing it as a means to an end, it's hard to conceptualize he might enjoy that part just as much as i do, usually that's what i'm after the most, and i just assume at least fooling around is par for the course, i don't mind it i'm very attracted to guys in general, but i'm more looking to just kind of be held and be with someone and you know fall asleep in someone's arms, and i guess i kind of viewed it as an exchange almost, i get that he gets sex, but maybe that's not a healthy way of viewing, i just kind of thought it's how things had to be
it's kind of surreal to instantly go from total celibacy to never having to be (or at least sleep) alone again if i don't want to, it didn't solve all my problems but it's a relief to not just live a life not having fucked ever, and my days are a lot fuller now at least, stuff to do all of us sudden, i don't regret not "saving" myself because for who? Presumably a person i would find on dating apps just like i am these guys, it seems to be the only available venue, guys don't as often randomly ask a girl out, it's seen as creepy or whatever but it's actually pretty cool to be sought if they aren't pushy about it
I'd rather be a little experienced anyway if it gets there with a guy i actually have true feelings for, it's hard to know what that even means though anymore, if sex is something done between friends, i want a regular pair-bonded kind of long-term relationship eventually it seems like other people do too but where are they? maybe one of these recurring kind of FWB type deals can turn into that, or again the ones that go really slow might but it's hard to find a guy that is interested in that, and i feel bad because there's no guarantee i'll ever get to the point of ever wanting it from the long-term guys, because it seems the longer i get to know a guy and actually have a real human connection with him, the more i want to be around him but the less i want to fuck, even though not knowing them from adam i was completely willing to put out because i assumed it was going to be expected, it's weird, i look at hookups differently i guess
it's a weird experience to have all this happen at once |
