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I took 60, 10mg Dexies from February 25th to March 1st.
Before my first dose, I was sobbing, crying quietly, letting out an occasional should, I had chills but was burning up in bed. I was afraid to leave my room or see anyone, do anything or move. I actually did get up but immediately puked on my desk from sheer nervousness. Maybe... one of you will take a moment to think "...What it really must feel like to throw up from "nervousness". It's just the mind's persistent torment and the bodies ignorant compliance; a storm of unthinkably sad feelings and thoughts pass each-other one by one. Then puke ...from an arbitrary trigger. It was just water because I hadn't had an appetite for 3 days, and ate nothing.
What did I do?
I bandaged, and even completely smoothed over my relationships with both men and women (one woman in particular), my finances, bills, personal debts, business debts, various paperwork, cleaned my devastated room (live with 3 roommates, I lived in ceaseless horror one might accidentally see in. Next, my prescription was ready. I got it.
I even made my grandma laugh ... and smiled a real smile that day, some of the things I think. This is a rare thing for her, a Germanic woman with bloodshot blue eyes. My grandpa (dead now), with my mom and her brother would have intense arguments about who was to wake her up after a nap. She had those post-nap faces ...not a resting bitch face but rather an ACTIVE just-resting" hate-fuck-anyone" faces. But those icy blue eyes never targeted me. If an adult made me cry or even sad and quiet, it was her, and nobody else that would fly into a rage. She'd just ask me where they are if it's an adult, and if not, where their parents live or work etc... First the phone, then the car. Every-time. Never even asked what I did. Now I see, sadly, the most likely why I (at 12) got the affection and attention from my co-workers at the dollar shop I worked at might have been the work of my grandmother ...she managed the store.
As a kid, we did crafts, painted, made soup, experimented with different foods and art supplies. Taught me how not to be racist when I was repelled by a black doll in her doll collection.I believe her bad sides are unconscious, like my own: not minding your own business, caring to much, overreacting, moody and domineering. I can't give credence to any of it. She was the first one to teach me about the holocaust and Christianity-which I took to heart so much, I only stopped at 18... because books exist-all this was when I was like... 7. But to indoctrinate a kid when you really believe it is no crime but a demonstration of misguided DEEP care. The holocaust still haunts my inner core. The day everyone found out, the just and good thing to have happen, would to have the entire world simply lay-down and die of shame.
I now lay in bed, exhausted but having slept too much, talking to my mom on text (I must tell someone, anyone when I'm in a certain amount of pain). She asks for updates: I say I'm laying in bed, waiting for the meds to take effect.
As time went on, my stomach started to feel comfortably warm, it was settling fast. I noticed myself wanted to do things. I turned on my light. I was now sitting up in bed, light on, reflecting on the miracle of this drug, and could only see positive future possibilities.
Dex is so close to my mind, body, my heart, that it can allow all this with practice (I've had a lot), you can peruse and speak with normal people and engage in ideas-to do so in with the appropriate mood and stance-not your stereotypical manic weirdo or hard to pin-down, but still unsettling vibe ...makes me wonder, do people realize you can just be normal ...sometimes more normal than normal, even unintentionally heroic, sweet, honest, truthful etc... on stimulants? Although I can only speak for dex.
Optional Digression
Maybe that's why I grew up such an optimist, a romantic-with love. science, and art as keys to live by. I am proud to have dreams and people to die for, that many might label impossible, stupid or just pointless. I guarantee at least one of you reading this will have heard my name in passing within the decade. Truly. This is not arrogance but realism and an honesty that has been tested, and indeed will continue to be tested until either it comes to pass, or I die. A failure ...romantic in its own way. Either way a victory. I can't tell you what it is because a) it doesn't matter, b) you don't care, and c) most importantly, it's completely new and my right to keep as a secret. I'll know when the time comes. Hopefully soon.
I love talking and learning about what you guys have to say, I have for a long time now. And I'd like to thank you (if you actually read all of it, jesus - if anyone actually replies (and it didn't obviously intended to be mean) I'll reply. So, until next time /stim/ ...old friends. |
