|>> || 1585268561027.jpg -(47080B / 45.98KB, 468x345) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Hey man..really connecting with your story as I've recently been faced with some of these same crossroads. I find our discussions on the Ethics of Meth use fascinating, and think I have some value to add. |
The only thing I'll claim to be a truth written in stone; The first solution to every problem is Stop Doing Meth. I'm not saying you should, but whenever you're catching some anxiety just remember where you're at. Even if it's been a couple days since you used...don't consider your thoughts sober.
To that end, be careful about evaluating your own condition when using. You might feel like you're playing it cool, but the person you sleep next to can notice the most minute changes in behavior and attitude.
I'm not going to tell you that lying to her is wrong or that you gotta fess up or whatever, but it's guaranteed to come to a head sometime. Try and figure out why you feel the need to use instead of just enjoying her company. Maybe it's something you two can work out, maybe you need to start thinking of a responsible exit from the relationship.
Maintaining a meth habit takes a lot of work. It is a demanding companion, and will pull you away from relationships, passions, the works. You might think you have your dosing under control and scheduled...but you had your usage with Adderall dialed in, and then you started doing meth instead. The further you live in the headspace, the longer time lapses get, and the less attention you pay to real life. The 4 hours you waste on your phone will become 8...and exponentially as far as you'll let it.
The wonderful news is that you aren't around addicts. People who fall down those stereotypical pitfalls and end up homeless and shit, they have no communication with anything but that world. Meth friends are fun, but keep your distance.
If using meth is helping you cope, and you feel like your're living better with it, that's ok. But you have to be willing to stand with that decision, and handle the changes that will come in your life to support your usage. Its best to get ahead of things and make some adjustments before you get burned trying to live a double life.
Fuck stigma, and fuck guilt. Do what thou wilt. Sometimes we behave in ways that are harmful to ourselves and the people we love. Don't ruin yourself trying to figure out why. Sometimes, you just want to relish in the Chaos.
I want to close with Chaos.
If you've been skimming through this, this is the one idea I really want you to feel.
No matter where you are in life, how out of hand things get, who you're surrounding yourself with...the only thing that matters is Art. That's what you're here to do, and you need to make every choice you can to create work that feeds you joy. Always, always, your work should drive you. HOWEVER, I find that attitude leads to some of the pressures you spoke of to never sit still.
Art doesn't have to be a product, intended for an audience, or even a tangible creation. Start taking pride in the process, including the excruciating weeks or months that you have no clear vision to move forward with. The more you worry about appearing lazy or feeling stagnant, the harder it's going to be to sink into your rhythm as a creator.
It's this self induced pressure that causes you to use anyway. Your brain is shut off while you idly tinker on bullshit, with the illusion that meth is making you work faster and harder. It's not, and that euphoria won't last.
For instance , I'm supposed to be tracking guitars for my upcoming black metal album, but I've spent 40mins taking care of your noob ass.
Seeya space cowboy