| >> | I did probably 50mg of benzedrex on top of 120mg of DXM then another 100mg of benzedrex probably, low dosages of both but they synergize very strongly
Have a job interview tomorrow later today, it's luckily over the phone not even zoom, so looking like death and having saucers isn't a problem, this'll be the last thing i do before i start getting money, i don't have that much of an interest in OTCs and haven't for a while but i ran out of everything else and haven't had a job in a while (been searching for one though like i said have an interview) this was fun but felt almost sinister, really interesting feeling though, glad i had a little bit of a cart left to mellow things out, really glad i didn't push the dosages any higher, i don't know i was just curious what it was like and i figured for the last "thing" i'll do for a while while and do this t-break and get my life together a little no reason not to, i didn't really have an interest in doing either by themselves, haven't for a while, would usually rather do nothing but i've been needing something to happen y'know, some salience, and i'm an alcohol fortunately almost two years sober at this point so i can't just go out and drink, even though i know conceptually this is probably worse for you than booze, the mere thought of doing this again makes me a little queasy, it won't happen, but if i drank to get drunk tonight who's to say i wouldn't start doing that every night again and eventually end up taken to the hospital again with a BAC of .4 and spend 7 days in detox and 7 days in psych, i still can't imagine what it's like to just have one and stop, like i can't comprehend it at all why someone would just have a couple drinks, probably means i shouldn't play with fire, especially considering the last time i lapsed a year ago the one and only time was when i was house sitting and saw a full bottle of tequilla on counter and it was only a couple months in so without out even thinking it just instantly triggered and i was drinking it, but once it started to run out i realized i'd have to replace it and instead of doing it the next day because my friend will still be out of town for days, on the verge of blacking out i decide to drive said friend's care drunk without a license without permission to replace the bottle, refill gas, and come back, again all after drinking almost a fifth, honestly the worst thing i've ever done, i can't think of anything worse i've ever done to the people around me, could have easily killed someone, totaled my broke friend's only car (one of my only consistent friends at this point too), gotten arrested, things were finally starting to look up for me if this had gone wrong my life would've been legitimately over, i just would've given up, more importantly someone else's life could've been over, someone's life could've been snuffed out by my carelessness, so somehow the one lapse i have i go to a lower rock bottom than the one that got me to quit in the first place, and at this point i've now got it through my thick dented skull that my actions have consequences and so much as a sip can lead me back there, so there's not a doubt in my mind it will never be worth it to try, i'll never drink another drop as long as i live and that's fine with me, someone who's allergic to peanuts doesn't lament all the delicious cookies they can't eat, it just doesn't enter their heads that eating peanuts is a possibility, and i finally see alcohol exactly that way
especially cause i never gave up other drugs that i wasn't addicted to only alcohol and benzos/sleeping pills, everything else other than weed i do very intermittently, like a couple times a month, which is why my stash lasted as long as it did, but it's been empty for a while now and i was really in the mood for something to happen so i went and did this, not the best choice not the worst choice, but hoping my job interview goes well i'll be able to get some decent stuff finally, not my intention to do this again |
